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Just Shit

It’s all just shit really, every part of it.  People may try to tell you that there are good things, or moments that make it all worth it, but that is no longer the norm.  Life, to most, is just shit.  When you fall within a certain economical and educational demographic, the reality is that life will only ever be as good as it is.  The majority of the blue collar class will never achieve greatness or even financial freedom, instead we will be working our asses off just to support ourselves.

I have been working since I was 12, I took on an after school baby sitting gig for $50 a week for the whole school year.  It consumed all of my time, and yet I agreed, because it was what I thought I was suppose to do.  I worked throughout high school, giving up things that I loves, music ensembles, plays and sunbathing while pretending to run track. Again I did this because it was simply what I was suppose to do.  I had to support myself, even as a child. I knew that it was the way of life.  I worked through college, at times having at least 3 jobs and a full course load, because it was what was expected of me.  I never once questioned it, I just worked.

I still just work, I am 32, no kids, husband, family or even pets, and yet I work.  I currently work at least 65 hours a week, often times 6 to 7 days a week.  I give it my all, I dedicate every waking hour to this job, I have once again sacrificed anything that may give me a little joy, all because I don’t know any other way.  

The sad thing is, I am not wealthy, I am not debt free, nor do I own nice things.  I am still just lower middle class.  It does not matter how much or how hard I work, this will forever be my lot in life.  I am not smart enough to advance beyond my nature path, and I’m not lazy enough to fall below.  I am just stuck, stuck working with no reason, losing any semblance of myself or what makes me happy.  And it’s all just because this is what I have been taught.  I am nothing other than my work ethic and my responsibility. But the truth is I am just nothing.  
My life seems to be a huge fucking waste of time.  I work to sustain my life, so I can in turn keep working.  But why?  I have made nothing of my life that would be worth sustaining.  I know that I will never get ahead, or fall behind for that matter, I will merely always keep sustaining…solely because it is what I am suppose to do.  But I don’t think I want to anymore, if I’m just getting by to get by, I’d rather do it on some tropical fucking island where I can sell fruit I picked to make ends meet.  My current life does not, in fact, make any sense.  My life is just shit, as is the case for most people, it will never not be shit, so why on earth am I working so hard for this shit?  

To Just Feel

I can’t actually tell you how I feel, and not because I can’t find the words, but because I am afraid they will be misconstrued. For some reason, still slightly unknown to me, I decided to enter into this situation, being fully aware of the facts and the situation.

So where does this leave me, I know that I agreed and signed up for this, I knew that in no capacity could you ever be mine, really mine. But my mind can not control my metaphorical heart and to put it simply, I love you.  This love, however, is not to be taken for anything more than that, love.

It seems that it’s nearly impossible to take anything for exactly for what it is.  We are always reading into everything, trying to find the deeper meaning or the double entendre that may exist.  Nothing is allowed to just be what is it, the sky is no longer blue but a reflection of the ocean, just as love is not love, but a million other emotions and feelings all wrapped up into one four letter word.  People no longer believe in simplicity and the art of directness, people can no longer take anything at its word, everything always has a deeper meaning.

So than what happens when you just feel something, truly and fully without any strings attached..  When there is nothing attached to the the feeling, no emotion or pre-existing circumstance making or controlling your feelings.  Is it possible for a feeling, an emotion, to just purely exist, to just be a fact with nothing else surrounding it or controlling it.  To have that feeling not expect anything in return, it just is what it is.

I feel love, what I know to be true love.  This comes with no obligation or misunderstanding.  I do not feel this love in hopes of future, a relationship or any other type of  commitment.  I just simply feel it.  I feel love.  I know all of the circumstances surrounding this love and yet it does not stop or deter me. Because I do not feel this love for anything in return.  I will not speak those three words to make anyone say or feel them back.  For the first time in my life I own the fact that I just feel something entirely.  I love fully and completely, without expecting anything in return.  I feel grateful that I have been given the chance to feel something as it is, without any expectations or stipulations.  I just love, because this is all I can do, all I can think or feel.  It’s just love, pure, intense and completely unreal.

 

Subhuman?

It’s the strangest feeling being torn between two completely opposite feelings, wanting and not wanting.  The deep human desire to be loved and the utter fear of anyone ever getting close enough to even try.  Every feeling and thought that has ever entered my consciousness has had a contradictory thought or feeling.  I can never fully commit to anything.  I am in constant limbo between right and wrong, or maybe just wrong and more wrong.  

I am a walking contradiction, threw and threw.  I have this crazy desire for every human being to feel loved, wanted and cared for.  And yet I don’t actually like people at all. I have no desire to actually interact or get close to these same people that I so badly want to find happiness.If it was within my power to make it happen I would, ideally,  without ever even talking to anyone.

My mind can not even agree on my taste in music, I love a good indie rock band with a bluegrass feel and yet can often be found listening to Drake or Ella Fitzgerald.  I am never able to do anything with complete conviction because I never fully feel one way or another.

I once had a friend, in a drunken, angry rant, ask me if I was switzerland, and if I was okay going through my whole life never making any real decisions  or assertions one way or another. At the time I was hurt and taken aback that someone so close to me would not see that I am an open minded and accepting person.  Reflecting on it now I can see her point. I am not open minded, but instead a spineless coward who has never had to follow through on any one feeling, due to always being pulled in opposite directions.

In my more self boastful moods I like to consider myself an above par human, even going as far as saying that I am non human like, due to being so evolved that I do not feel the need to let emotions dictate my actions or thoughts.  But in reality I have not, by any means, reached nirvana.  In all truthfulness, I am actually subhuman, not even capable of making a decision or having an opinion.  I have not been graced with the ability to fully care about anything enough to advocate for it, fight for it, or even just agree with it.  Instead I am always claiming to be empathetic and pride myself on being capable of seeing all side to a situation.  But really I just never had to fully commit, engage or support anything.  I have found a very successful way detach from life, and justify it by convincing myself that I am better than everyone else.  I’m not though, at least other people have the balls to make choices, stands and arguments for what they believe in, even of those beliefs may change.  I, on the other hand, sit on the sidelines of life, in constant limbo of feelings, thoughts and actions…which in a way does make me non-human, but by no means does it make me above human.

I want you to know

I want to tell you everything, everything that has ever happened to me, everyone that has ever hurt me. I want you to know it all. I really want you to know all of me. There is so much good, but also there is so much I try to burry. I try to hide so much of myself because I am so ashamed and regretful of who I once was. I’ve also felt that the way to get someone to love me was to completely deny who I was in the past.
But then I met you. For whatever strange and twisted reason I want you to know all aspect of me and my life. I don’t want to hide who I was, who I hated being and who I have become. I have worked so incredibly hard for who I am now. I have struggled so much to overcome the guilt and self loathing that comes along with being an insure, self conscious, deeply hurting female. I have made very poor decisions in the past, and I occasionally still make them, but everyday I strive to be a better person than I was yesterday.
I don’t want you to think I am perfect. I want you to know that I am not, and still love me. I want you to realize that I make mistakes but still want to be with me. I want to be completely honest with you and still have you want me. I don’t want to feel the need to hide anything in fear of losing you. I want to be me, with my past, with my present and with my future and have you love me. That’s what I want. 

False Fucking Hope

It’s all gone terribly wrong. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I never stood a chance, it was in my brain, my chemical makeup. Since the time I was young I didn’t want this life, and yet here I am with it, my never ending state of severe depression and hopelessness. It is not going anywhere; the only option is that I go. I need to go.

I try, really really try. I try so hard to make something of my life, I try to make myself happy, I try to find love and worth. But life is like a Chinese finger trap, the more you try the harder it gets.

People, professional mind helpers, say that suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well fuck them if they think this shit is temporary. A cold is temporary. A chemical imbalance in your brain is not something that will just go away with a little medication, although people would like you to think so. “Here take some fucking Prozac, if it doesn’t make you crazy it might actually help”. But what happens when it doesn’t? What happens when you can’t just medicate that shit away? It stays with you, it haunts you until you make that final decision. It isn’t until you finally stop trying, until you give in that you actually win.

I think I am ready to stop trying. I know that there is still a little piece of me that is holding on due to all the false hope bullshit I have been fed my whole life. I have had countless people tell me to hold on because my happiness is just around the corner. They cannot fathom that someone who has worked so hard on every aspect of their life could still be failing so miserably. Well guess what? I am! I am failing over and over again, and I’m ready to be done. I can’t swallow another pep talk nor another rejection. I think it time for me to make that permanent action for what so many people hope is a temporary issue. It may just be time for my one last effort to finally be done with it all. Life you lose, depression you win.

What I’d really like to say

I think it has been over three years now that I have been online dating.  I’ve taken breaks due to giving up, short lived flames, or just an utter uninterest in the opposite sex, but for the most part I’ve had some sort of online profile going on for way too long.  They all say the same generic thing, I like the outdoors, hiking, running…blah, blah, blah. But instead of all that positive, I’m a great, happy person bull shit I would love to just be honest for once.  If I wrote an honest profile and really said what I wanted, not only would I not get a date but I’m pretty sure people would hate me.  If I had the spine to do so, this is how my real online dating profile would look.

 

About me:

I’m tall, but I’m no fucking supermodel.  I am not fat but I do have a little extra weight around my stomach and thighs, even though I do in fact run at least five days a week.  When I say I like the outdoors, I really really mean it.  I would rather be outside than do pretty much anything else.  I hike, not just take walks in my jeans, I have a hydration pack and everything.  I am very kind and caring but I can come across as pretty cold sometimes.  I have a very strange personality and sometimes I think things are funny that probably arnt.  I don’t know how to be very girly.  And although I really love sex, and typically have it way too soon, I actually do want a real relationship, not just a consistent hookup.  I have a good job, my own place, a fucking car and I take care of myself…really guys what the fuck are you looking for?

 

About you:

YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 5’10’’…and this means in real life, not in made up online land, if we meet I will know!  YOU MUST HAVE: a job, a car, and some sort of ambition, even if it’s just to run a popsicle stand.  YOU MUST be okay with using your phone to actually make a phone call, I know it’s not my favorite thing either, but talking on the phone shows integrity and a little respect.  YOU CAN NOT and I repeat CAN NOT have or want a pet or a kid…I know this makes me a horrible person but I have no interest in taking care of either of these things.  It would help if you had a college education, blond hair and a six pack.  I know I don’t have a six pack but apparently there is only  about a 6 percent chance that I will sleep with you if you don’t have one, and yes I’ve done the math.  Oh and since I really do actually like to do outdoor activities you should also really like them, not just say that you do cause it seems like the right thing to write down.

 

First Date:

A first date should never include anything that involves money.  I don’t want anyone spending any money if there is no chance of us ever seeing each other again.  I also would like to do something active so even if the date is a total bore I will have at least gotten some exercise.  The meeting should also have several options of ending it…why drag something out that will never turn into anything.

So there you have it, what I really wish I could say.  Unfortunately I feel as though I’m already having such a hard time meeting someone that if I were to be this honest right off the cuff I may never have sex again and certainly will never have a chance at a relationship.  But then again what I’m doing now isn’t working so maybe I should just say fuck it and put it all out there, or maybe just give up altogether.  No matter what way I go, I’m pretty convinced it’s hopeless.

This is why I love you

It’s been over seven years since I even laid eyes on you and yet you still are in my thoughts almost daily.  It’s not a conscious, in front of the brain thought, but rather just a subtle after thought.  To be honest I think of you any time things fall apart with anyone else, I think of you any times something works out with someone else, but mostly I just think of you randomly when I realize there were so many reasons to love you.

It’s been seven years since I had someone who know how I took my coffee, it’s been seven years since I had someone who I knew everything about my childhood and my whole family.  It’s been that long since I’ve know someones favorite song, or what side of the bed they slept on.  Seven years since I knew every freckle, birthmark and hair on your body.

I hated it then, but oh how I miss it now, the amount that you loved me.  I would never let you kiss me in public, but now I would give anything to show off to the world how much somebody loved me.  You truly loved me, at a time when I couldn’t even begin to think of loving myself.  You picked me up off the floor when I was so crippled with depression that I could no longer stand.  You tried to save me when I wa unsavable.

Until now I had never put anything down in words about you.  As fucked up as I was I always respected the love that you gave me and always recognized that it was something different.  It was so unique to any other love I had ever felt, and not just because it was the only love that I felt from a man.  You did love me, and no other man ever has, but that is not why I love you now.  That is not why I will always will love you for who you were and what we had.

I love you because you woke up early to shovel the driveway, clean off my car and start it before my alarm even  went off.  I love you because even though you had the highest metabolism ever you still would eat salad with me when I was on a diet. I love you cause you changed your whole life for me and you loved me even when I failed you.

I can’t go back in time, I can’t appreciate all these things when they would have mattered, but I still can love you now for all that you offered.  I can cherish the fact that at one point in my life I had a beautiful man who would have given his life to show me how much he loved me.  I’m not sure I will ever have that type of love again, but I do need to recognize that I love you now for it. I love you for all those years that you loved me without abandon.  I didn’t know how to then, but now, now I love you.