It’s the strangest feeling being torn between two completely opposite feelings, wanting and not wanting. The deep human desire to be loved and the utter fear of anyone ever getting close enough to even try. Every feeling and thought that has ever entered my consciousness has had a contradictory thought or feeling. I can never fully commit to anything. I am in constant limbo between right and wrong, or maybe just wrong and more wrong.
I am a walking contradiction, threw and threw. I have this crazy desire for every human being to feel loved, wanted and cared for. And yet I don’t actually like people at all. I have no desire to actually interact or get close to these same people that I so badly want to find happiness.If it was within my power to make it happen I would, ideally, without ever even talking to anyone.
My mind can not even agree on my taste in music, I love a good indie rock band with a bluegrass feel and yet can often be found listening to Drake or Ella Fitzgerald. I am never able to do anything with complete conviction because I never fully feel one way or another.
I once had a friend, in a drunken, angry rant, ask me if I was switzerland, and if I was okay going through my whole life never making any real decisions or assertions one way or another. At the time I was hurt and taken aback that someone so close to me would not see that I am an open minded and accepting person. Reflecting on it now I can see her point. I am not open minded, but instead a spineless coward who has never had to follow through on any one feeling, due to always being pulled in opposite directions.
In my more self boastful moods I like to consider myself an above par human, even going as far as saying that I am non human like, due to being so evolved that I do not feel the need to let emotions dictate my actions or thoughts. But in reality I have not, by any means, reached nirvana. In all truthfulness, I am actually subhuman, not even capable of making a decision or having an opinion. I have not been graced with the ability to fully care about anything enough to advocate for it, fight for it, or even just agree with it. Instead I am always claiming to be empathetic and pride myself on being capable of seeing all side to a situation. But really I just never had to fully commit, engage or support anything. I have found a very successful way detach from life, and justify it by convincing myself that I am better than everyone else. I’m not though, at least other people have the balls to make choices, stands and arguments for what they believe in, even of those beliefs may change. I, on the other hand, sit on the sidelines of life, in constant limbo of feelings, thoughts and actions…which in a way does make me non-human, but by no means does it make me above human.