So here I sit, whisky in hand, watching the whole world fall apart. I am not the only who sees it, feels it and lives it. It’s all apart of of our lives now, whether we want it to be or not. I don’t know how much more any one of us can take. My heart is full of heaviness and hopelessness.
For the past two weeks I’ve gone about living my life, consumed with the harsh reality of having to actually be an adult. I have done a magnificent job of creating situations where I get to be responsible and self sufficient without actually having to grow up. Now I find myself in the midst of real life, at a time when real life may be the absolute worst thing that exists.
I am not a good person, I don’t offer much to the outside world and for the most I lead an entirely selfish life. But on a deeper level, I am a kind and loving person. I care so intensely about people, I don’t want to really know them, but I want them to be incredibly happy. I want nothing more than everyone to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. I would knowingly sign up for a life of solitude, heartache and rejection if it would bring at least contentment to others.
This is not the way the world works however, it is not a kind and welcoming place. We can not barter one’s happiness for another’s. There is actually nothing we can do to change the immediate situation of our world. It is a world of hate, fear, judgments and violence. It is a world we created, and now the world we shall live in.
I find it slightly ironic that for the first time, in a long time, suicide does not consume all of my daily thoughts. I have somehow crawled out of the deep hole of depression that I tend to live in on a regular basis, at a time when there isn’t actually any reason to come out. What I really don’t understand is how the rest of the whole world does not suffer from sever depression. Honestly at this rate we should all be on drugs, very strong drugs.