Archive | February 2016

I want you to know

I want to tell you everything, everything that has ever happened to me, everyone that has ever hurt me. I want you to know it all. I really want you to know all of me. There is so much good, but also there is so much I try to burry. I try to hide so much of myself because I am so ashamed and regretful of who I once was. I’ve also felt that the way to get someone to love me was to completely deny who I was in the past.
But then I met you. For whatever strange and twisted reason I want you to know all aspect of me and my life. I don’t want to hide who I was, who I hated being and who I have become. I have worked so incredibly hard for who I am now. I have struggled so much to overcome the guilt and self loathing that comes along with being an insure, self conscious, deeply hurting female. I have made very poor decisions in the past, and I occasionally still make them, but everyday I strive to be a better person than I was yesterday.
I don’t want you to think I am perfect. I want you to know that I am not, and still love me. I want you to realize that I make mistakes but still want to be with me. I want to be completely honest with you and still have you want me. I don’t want to feel the need to hide anything in fear of losing you. I want to be me, with my past, with my present and with my future and have you love me. That’s what I want. 

An open letter to whomever is in control

Hello I was hoping to reach out to you in regards to some exciting new ideas I have.  I have been wanting to branch out for a long time in regards to my own life.  I want to be fully responsible for myself only…I no longer want to depend on anyone for anything.  I understand that this is near impossible in this day and age.  It is pretty impossible to be completely self-sufficient.  Especially if you have grown up in the modern world, as I did.  I do think I could do it, breakaway from it all and “live off the grid” as they say.  I could do it for as long as I would deem it necessary.  It’s not as if I dislike other people, well no more than anyone else does… I think deep down we all actually hate everyone.  I think this is fine because it’s mutual and luckily humans seem to be capable of loving those whom we hate.  Not to mention that we have evolved enough as a society that we are all very good at pretending that we don’t in fact hate each other…but I digress.

I would like the opportunity to not have to make it work anymore.  I would just like to mealy exist for a little while.  I want to go about my day and not have any thought or worry as to if I am doing enough for others, pissing others off, working hard enough for others so they pay me.  Our lives, wellbeing and survival are so incredibly contingent upon our relationships with others.  There are so many people that claim that they are in control of their own lives, destiny or whatever they call it.  But that is simple not true.  Everything we do, everyday has either something to do with someone else, or it’s dictated by someone else.  Even when we think we are doing something of our own free will, that’s actually not the case.  When you wake up on your day off and feel like you have the freedom to plan you day, you don’t because your plans are already being dictated by the fact that you only have that time of freedom because you spend the rest of your time at your job or school or other places you “have” to be.  We are never fully free, or I’m not at least.  I never have the luxury of purely existing.

So what I am asking is a break, a break from reality, responsibility and basically from being a human.  I would like my actions to not matter to anyone and I would like to not have others actions affect me.   I want to know how it feels to have nothing pulling or pushing my life.  What would happen?  Who would I be if there was no reason to be or do anything?  Would that be the ultimate form of peace, or would I go crazy, lacking purpose?  Whatever the outcome may be I’d like to try, at least just for a moment.  I would like a tiny snippet in time where I essentially do not exist in society, only in physical form, to do nothing but just be me, whoever that may be.

 

Un-Requested Privilege

I have never been to delusion to realize that even though I grew up very poor, and often times in not the most ideal situations, that I was born into privilege.  Not the type of privilege that affords me a never ending trust fund, or even any inheritance, but the privilege to work hard and make a comfortable life for myself.

I clearly remember the day when it dawned on me that we were poor.  I was 12 and sitting in the back of the car listening to my parents talk about money, bills and how to fix my dads broken truck.  Now that’s not to say there weren’t signs before that, we didn’t have running water or a kitchen stove for over a year, clearly we were not rolling in it. One Christmas my Mom hand made all of my gifts, which to this day I still tear up about because although I loved them she felt horrible that that was all she could give me.

I resented my parents for a long time for having not one, but three children that they could not afford.  They did always love us, kept us fed and took in all of our friends who were way worse off, but they couldn’t pay for college, or a lot of other things.  Through it all though I gained a very important lesson, that if I worked hard enough and long enough I could change my situation.  I learned this on my own, by doing it.  

 

I began working as much as possible when I was still in highschool and by the time I finished my first year of college I figured out that I could get my bartending license and make the most amount of money in the least amount of time.  I was determined to never be poor again, so I worked and worked and worked and when I could fit it in I would get another job.  By the time I graduated I had three bartending jobs and was pulling in a lot of money.  I had accomplished my goal by working hard and being a good employee with great work ethics.  In my mind that was all it took to not be poor, to not have the same situation that I was born into, and to not be wanting.  I knew that I was far from being rich, but I could pay for my life and still had money to play with.  I truly believed that I had everything I did because I worked for it, and then I grew up.

I was given the opportunity to work hard, apply for multiple jobs, work up, save money and do it all again at another job because I was born in the country I live in.  I am white and from nothing but a white background on all sides of the family.  The fact that I grew up poor does not even play a role in my life now, other than my appreciation for small things.  The fact that I went to a small state school that no one has heard of does not make a difference in my job application process.  The fact of the matter is that I went to school, I was born and raised in the same country that my parents were born and raised in.  I did not plan any of this, I did not even realise any of this was such a privilege, but it is.  I’ve been walking through most of my life feeling so proud to have accomplished so much, feeling like my past was working against me, but in all actuality my past is what gave me the ability to make a life for myself.  Yes I took advantage of my privilege and still do every day but it’s this un-requested privilege that has gotten me to my unlashived but comfortable life, not my strong will and hard work. If that’s all it took there would be a whole hell of a lot more people living as comfortably as me.