To Still Love and Love No More
Today was a huge milestone for me. I finally, after far too long, told a man who had controlled my thoughts, emotions and actions for over six years that I no longer loved him. Well not in so many words but essentially that was what my email was eluding to, and yes I did it in email form but I’m still viewing it as an accomplishment on my part. Almost four years ago I made a terrible judgment call and agreed to add this man to my phone plan, and help buy and set up his smart phone. For some reason at the ripe old age of 39 he was not able to figure it out. I, at the time, was so smitten and infatuated that I did it, without hesitation. I convinced myself that if we shared this monthly bill that it would help him see how easy it would be to be with me. Instead I ended up taking care of the bill every month and he never even had to think about it. Needless to say it never brought us closer to being in a real relationship it just amplified my stupidity for thinking that he might ever love me. So after a year of living somewhere new and far away I decided it was time to cut all ties for good. I do not love him any more, it’s still a little to fresh to be able to tell if I ever really loved him or if it was all infatuations, but for now I can at least state that what ever I once felt is no more.
But than there is that other one, the one that I truly did love and he loved me. Today is his birthday, and 11 years since the first time we slept together and started our 3 plus year relationship. Unfortunately with him I can not write that email. We have no ties to be broken, I have no way to state that I no longer love him, and more so I have no way of ever not loving him. He is in my dreams, he is my concision mind and forever in my heart. I don’t think it’s necessary a bad thing to have a place in ones heart for a former love, but this love is not allowing me to move on. I have not had one mention-able relationship since him, and it’s been 8 years. I have nothing tangible to throw away, no photos to delete, no voicemail to erase. All I have is what’s in my head, and that does not seem to be fading anytime soon. So here I sit, still loving him and wishing I could stop, but perhaps you can’t ever stop when it was real in the first place.