365 Days Without a Reason

It was last Halloween that I sat on the floor of my new apartment, after the first day of my new job, in a whole new area. I began to cry because that’s just what I do and I tried to console myself by repeating the phrase, “ a year from now you’ll be home”.   After not accomplishing anything I just went to bed, hoping that in a year I would feel better about my choice to move and uproot my life.

A year later I woke up to the same feeling, only now I have a couch and most of my stuff is unpacked. I’m still painfully alone and dreading the start of the holiday season. I have been racking my brain, desperately trying to figure out why I moved here, trying to find some meaning in this uncomfortable displacement.   I have yet to find it.

As pathetic as it may seem, one of my main reasons for moving four hours away from my home of 7 years, was to find a relationship. I told most people it was to find a good job with growth potential, which is not entirely untrue, but mostly it was to try and find a boyfriend. I thought I would have better luck moving out of the stoners version of Never Never Land. But funny thing is…it was not the place, it is apparently just me. So suffocate to say, I cannot look to my love life as a justification for moving here.

The job thing would be another place I could seek justification, but in all honesty I have an absolutely absurd job. The industry and position itself are great, and it is in field I truly enjoy. I am making more money than I was in Never Land, but the cost of living is twice as expensive, so that’s a wash. My boss is a total nut job who takes advantage of everyone he can and does not pay overtime, and just the other day he barrowed my car. He is the worst driver I’ve ever met, he has an abundance of driving violation and I’m not even fully convinced he has a car, but since I am spineless I found no way of telling my boss that I did not want him driving my car, one that I still owe a considerable amount of money on. But I digress, my point is that my job is not even close to a good reason for moving away from my old life.

For a quick minute I thought that my mental health was the answer. My job has a decent insurance plan that comes with reasonable mental health care. After a few too many suicidal near misses I thought that it might be time for me to see someone. For a while things seemed like they were one the right track, I was finally doing something to improve my life. I liked my therapist and I began group therapy classes. Then they convinced me to get on drugs and well those drugs made me crazy, legitimately crazy. I feel as though three months of my life was lost to a haze of overwhelming suicidal thoughts, extreme lows and what felt like being clinically insane. I stopped taking the drugs and now my normal highs and lows are back, I never thought I’d be happy about only wanting to kill myself like 70% of the time. Regardless mental health can no longer be considered as a means to this impulsive upheaval of all normalcy.

So then what do I have from the past 365 days to make myself feel better about feeling alone and miserable most of the time? I am not nearly as active and have put on a fair amount of weight. My life cost me a whole hell of a lot more and my boss may be a criminal. I have now had four men reject me in the same exact manor, shattering my heart and hope for a respectful relationship. I went crazy, like really crazy and I have only made one friend. The weather is pretty good, so I guess I should just hold onto that for now, I could be tan year round if I wanted…that’s enough to justify this loneliness and horrible mistake, right?

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About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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