It’s all gone terribly wrong. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. I never stood a chance, it was in my brain, my chemical makeup. Since the time I was young I didn’t want this life, and yet here I am with it, my never ending state of severe depression and hopelessness. It is not going anywhere; the only option is that I go. I need to go.
I try, really really try. I try so hard to make something of my life, I try to make myself happy, I try to find love and worth. But life is like a Chinese finger trap, the more you try the harder it gets.
People, professional mind helpers, say that suicide is a very permanent solution to a temporary problem. Well fuck them if they think this shit is temporary. A cold is temporary. A chemical imbalance in your brain is not something that will just go away with a little medication, although people would like you to think so. “Here take some fucking Prozac, if it doesn’t make you crazy it might actually help”. But what happens when it doesn’t? What happens when you can’t just medicate that shit away? It stays with you, it haunts you until you make that final decision. It isn’t until you finally stop trying, until you give in that you actually win.
I think I am ready to stop trying. I know that there is still a little piece of me that is holding on due to all the false hope bullshit I have been fed my whole life. I have had countless people tell me to hold on because my happiness is just around the corner. They cannot fathom that someone who has worked so hard on every aspect of their life could still be failing so miserably. Well guess what? I am! I am failing over and over again, and I’m ready to be done. I can’t swallow another pep talk nor another rejection. I think it time for me to make that permanent action for what so many people hope is a temporary issue. It may just be time for my one last effort to finally be done with it all. Life you lose, depression you win.
Today was a huge milestone for me. I finally, after far too long, told a man who had controlled my thoughts, emotions and actions for over six years that I no longer loved him. Well not in so many words but essentially that was what my email was eluding to, and yes I did it in email form but I’m still viewing it as an accomplishment on my part. Almost four years ago I made a terrible judgment call and agreed to add this man to my phone plan, and help buy and set up his smart phone. For some reason at the ripe old age of 39 he was not able to figure it out. I, at the time, was so smitten and infatuated that I did it, without hesitation. I convinced myself that if we shared this monthly bill that it would help him see how easy it would be to be with me. Instead I ended up taking care of the bill every month and he never even had to think about it. Needless to say it never brought us closer to being in a real relationship it just amplified my stupidity for thinking that he might ever love me. So after a year of living somewhere new and far away I decided it was time to cut all ties for good. I do not love him any more, it’s still a little to fresh to be able to tell if I ever really loved him or if it was all infatuations, but for now I can at least state that what ever I once felt is no more.
But than there is that other one, the one that I truly did love and he loved me. Today is his birthday, and 11 years since the first time we slept together and started our 3 plus year relationship. Unfortunately with him I can not write that email. We have no ties to be broken, I have no way to state that I no longer love him, and more so I have no way of ever not loving him. He is in my dreams, he is my concision mind and forever in my heart. I don’t think it’s necessary a bad thing to have a place in ones heart for a former love, but this love is not allowing me to move on. I have not had one mention-able relationship since him, and it’s been 8 years. I have nothing tangible to throw away, no photos to delete, no voicemail to erase. All I have is what’s in my head, and that does not seem to be fading anytime soon. So here I sit, still loving him and wishing I could stop, but perhaps you can’t ever stop when it was real in the first place.
It was last Halloween that I sat on the floor of my new apartment, after the first day of my new job, in a whole new area. I began to cry because that’s just what I do and I tried to console myself by repeating the phrase, “ a year from now you’ll be home”. After not accomplishing anything I just went to bed, hoping that in a year I would feel better about my choice to move and uproot my life.
A year later I woke up to the same feeling, only now I have a couch and most of my stuff is unpacked. I’m still painfully alone and dreading the start of the holiday season. I have been racking my brain, desperately trying to figure out why I moved here, trying to find some meaning in this uncomfortable displacement. I have yet to find it.
As pathetic as it may seem, one of my main reasons for moving four hours away from my home of 7 years, was to find a relationship. I told most people it was to find a good job with growth potential, which is not entirely untrue, but mostly it was to try and find a boyfriend. I thought I would have better luck moving out of the stoners version of Never Never Land. But funny thing is…it was not the place, it is apparently just me. So suffocate to say, I cannot look to my love life as a justification for moving here.
The job thing would be another place I could seek justification, but in all honesty I have an absolutely absurd job. The industry and position itself are great, and it is in field I truly enjoy. I am making more money than I was in Never Land, but the cost of living is twice as expensive, so that’s a wash. My boss is a total nut job who takes advantage of everyone he can and does not pay overtime, and just the other day he barrowed my car. He is the worst driver I’ve ever met, he has an abundance of driving violation and I’m not even fully convinced he has a car, but since I am spineless I found no way of telling my boss that I did not want him driving my car, one that I still owe a considerable amount of money on. But I digress, my point is that my job is not even close to a good reason for moving away from my old life.
For a quick minute I thought that my mental health was the answer. My job has a decent insurance plan that comes with reasonable mental health care. After a few too many suicidal near misses I thought that it might be time for me to see someone. For a while things seemed like they were one the right track, I was finally doing something to improve my life. I liked my therapist and I began group therapy classes. Then they convinced me to get on drugs and well those drugs made me crazy, legitimately crazy. I feel as though three months of my life was lost to a haze of overwhelming suicidal thoughts, extreme lows and what felt like being clinically insane. I stopped taking the drugs and now my normal highs and lows are back, I never thought I’d be happy about only wanting to kill myself like 70% of the time. Regardless mental health can no longer be considered as a means to this impulsive upheaval of all normalcy.
So then what do I have from the past 365 days to make myself feel better about feeling alone and miserable most of the time? I am not nearly as active and have put on a fair amount of weight. My life cost me a whole hell of a lot more and my boss may be a criminal. I have now had four men reject me in the same exact manor, shattering my heart and hope for a respectful relationship. I went crazy, like really crazy and I have only made one friend. The weather is pretty good, so I guess I should just hold onto that for now, I could be tan year round if I wanted…that’s enough to justify this loneliness and horrible mistake, right?