Like a Dog
The other night I had a realization, I thought about the dogs who wear the shock collars. What I realized was that the first time the run into the fence and get shocked it hurts and frightens them. The second time the same things happens, but after a few times they stop going over to the fence because they recognize that they will just get hurt, over and over again, the situation never changes. So I have decided that I need to learn my lessons, if a dog can catch on to stop repeating an action that is causing harm, I too can do the same.
I have been putting in a serious effort to date for over three years now. I have join a wide array of different dating sites, both the free ones and the the paid ones. I have told friends to set me up, join various groups, done everything in my power to meet men. And I have met men, quite a few now and some I have really liked. Some I sort of liked and some that I had no interest in but the experience has been a learning one, no matter what.
The initial first date is not where I run into my fence, it’s what happens if it goes past the first date, that is when I get shocked. It may take three dates or six months, but no matter what they all reach the same realization,that I’m just not who they want to be with. The really strange and painful thing is that they all react the same why when they reach this conclusion, they just disappear. They don’t even respect me enough to come up with some sort excuse, they don’t even care about me as a person to tell me they have not died in some type of tragic accident. Instead I have to resort to stupid social media and google stalking to make sure that they haven’t in fact died. To this day none of them have, they are all living seemingly happy lives, with other women.
So if my actions keep having the exact same reactions, and it is not a positive one, why do I keep doing it. I am clearly not even as smart as an animal who licks their own butt. It’s as if I have this sick desire to torture myself, to continuously try to feel as low as possible. I don’t think I’ve yet to encounter such a deep pain as being rejected by someone whom I thought I wanted to marry, and being rejected by silence no less. And yet I have now gone through it more times then I can count, but now it is time to stop. I can no longer bare the pain, I am not strong enough to keep going so it’s time to be smarter, I need to stop trying to break through. I have to accept my lonely existence on my side of the fence, no matter how green the grass may look, I know I will never reach it.