The other night I had a realization, I thought about the dogs who wear the shock collars. What I realized was that the first time the run into the fence and get shocked it hurts and frightens them. The second time the same things happens, but after a few times they stop going over to the fence because they recognize that they will just get hurt, over and over again, the situation never changes. So I have decided that I need to learn my lessons, if a dog can catch on to stop repeating an action that is causing harm, I too can do the same.
I have been putting in a serious effort to date for over three years now. I have join a wide array of different dating sites, both the free ones and the the paid ones. I have told friends to set me up, join various groups, done everything in my power to meet men. And I have met men, quite a few now and some I have really liked. Some I sort of liked and some that I had no interest in but the experience has been a learning one, no matter what.
The initial first date is not where I run into my fence, it’s what happens if it goes past the first date, that is when I get shocked. It may take three dates or six months, but no matter what they all reach the same realization,that I’m just not who they want to be with. The really strange and painful thing is that they all react the same why when they reach this conclusion, they just disappear. They don’t even respect me enough to come up with some sort excuse, they don’t even care about me as a person to tell me they have not died in some type of tragic accident. Instead I have to resort to stupid social media and google stalking to make sure that they haven’t in fact died. To this day none of them have, they are all living seemingly happy lives, with other women.
So if my actions keep having the exact same reactions, and it is not a positive one, why do I keep doing it. I am clearly not even as smart as an animal who licks their own butt. It’s as if I have this sick desire to torture myself, to continuously try to feel as low as possible. I don’t think I’ve yet to encounter such a deep pain as being rejected by someone whom I thought I wanted to marry, and being rejected by silence no less. And yet I have now gone through it more times then I can count, but now it is time to stop. I can no longer bare the pain, I am not strong enough to keep going so it’s time to be smarter, I need to stop trying to break through. I have to accept my lonely existence on my side of the fence, no matter how green the grass may look, I know I will never reach it.
I’ve been trying to pinpoint this feeling, trying to determine what has been eating away at me, slowly crushing me. I constantly experience so many emotions, hurt, sadness, disappointment, embarrassment and stress, but anger is one that I have not allowed myself to feel for a very long time. I convinced myself that I did not deserve to be angry, that I had done some pretty terrible things in my life so I had no right to ever get upset with anyone else. Any bad thing that ever happened to me I was able to tell myself that I brought it on myself and that I needed to be the bigger person.
But where has this mentality gotten me? I spend so much time trying to justify everyone’s actions and except all the bad things that happen in my life. I have uprooted my life so many time, trying to find some type of happiness, or at least contentment. I have made excuses for every man that has slept with me, led me on and then painfully rejected me. I have run, hiked, dieted, read self help books, done everything in my power to improve my mental state. I have really made a go at becoming a better person, a loving, forgiving, caring person. But now, now I am angry.
I find myself alone, rejected, hurt, still depressed and going no where with my life. And now I am angry, really really angry. I am resentful to every happy couple out there, because they have the one thing I truly want. I think I borderline hate every man that I have ever trusted enough to open up to, sleep with and fall for. As much as I try to let it all go, the minute another guy just completely disappears on me I feel that horrible feeling deep down. That I was not good enough for them, that they didn’t care about me enough to have the courtesy to reject me, I don’t even get a text of rejection anymore. How can multiple people treat me so terribly, hurt me so badly and still I’m the one to forgive them, justify their actions, convince myself that I wasn’t good enough for them and that is why they treated me that way. It’s as if I think that if I stay mad at someone it will make me feel even worse. But what is a worse feeling then telling a guy how you feel about him, having him cum inside you and then after months of dating just never contact you again. It can’t get worse, so why can I just be angry instead? Why can’t I just get pissed and move on, instead of forcing myself to get over the hurt and go out of my way to find they best in them and forgive their actions.
Beside a long history of male rejection and pain, I also have my stupid depressing that I constantly try to justify away. In the past two months I have thought about killing myself more than any other thought. I recently have really made an effort to “work” on my depression. I started going to therapy, something I use to refuse adamantly, mostly due to the fact that most doctors would try to just put me on drugs. So I finally got to such a low point that I agreed to start seeing someone. They, of course had to do their due diligence and send me to a psychiatrist, who in return said that I should be on drugs. I felt as though I owed it to my family and friends to at least try. And then I went crazy, like really really crazy. To the extent that I was to afraid to check myself into a hospital because I feared they would never let me out. I just keep crying and shaking, telling both my parents, over the phone, that there was something really wrong with me. I was going crazy and it was all because I was trying so hard to get better. I was finally willing to commit to getting better and I just got worse. I stopped taking the medication but the feelings are still there, that no matter how hard I try it will never get better. I’m so angry that I trusted people and loved people enough to go against my better judgment, and in turn I went crazy and almost killed myself…a few times.
So now I am just angry, so beyond angry that it hurts my stomach. Little things that would never typically get to me bring me close to tears. I have tried to remove all possible chances of more hurt and anger because I am so afraid of what will happen after 8 years of pushing it all down, deep inside of me. I know what it feels like to go ligitamilty crazy and I don’t want to ever go back there, Unfortunately anger is not something I am accustomed to dealing with. I know how to forgive, accept, deny, love, empathise and understand, but I don’t know how to be angry. I don’t know how to use anger in a productive manner, I feel like I would only use it to hurt as much as I’ve been hurt. I don’t want to be angry but I don’t know that I can go on not being angry anymore either.