I was born with a birth defect, only my right boob developed, the left didn’t even make it to an A cup I was not allowed to get surgery until I was 20. I didn’t have my first kiss until I began drinking, I was too socially awkward otherwise. The first time I had sex I was drunk off Absinthe and high. The guy I slept with had already graduated college, while I was still in highschool. A few weeks later I overheard him at a party denying that he ever slept with me. One year later he got so drunk he tackled me and got very aggressive. My freshman year I walked into a frat party with two male friends and someone yelled out “who brought the ugly chick?” In college the first guy I slept with multiple times ended things with me to start seriously dating my best friend. The second guy I slept with multiple times in college, started sleeping with my best friend in the room right next door, in a house we shared, without ending things with me first. My first real boyfriend, whom I was with for over three years told me that he loved me and knew I was the girl he was going to marry, then I did not hear from him for over four years. When I was in my early 20s I thought I was in love with a man who was almost 10 years older than me. He use to sit at the bar right next to me and text me things like “come over but be discreet”. We fucked for three years until I told him I loved him, got rejected and moved 3,000 miles away. A week later he drove home drunk and killed a girl I knew, he went to jail for involuntary manslaughter. My second real boyfriend gambled away all of my money, I didn’t even know he had a gambling problem. Then when we broke up he told me I should be on drugs. I have been on drugs, for depression. On my 25th birthday I got so drunk I came to and a guy was on top of me, he had just cum on my dress and made the comment that he’d never raped anyone before. I was in love with a man for six years, who let me buy him things, cart his ass around, even put him on my phone plan, even though he never loved me, and he knew the whole time. The first guy I fell for when I first moved here slept with me, without a condom, at least once a week for three months. Then tried to just stop texting me when he decided to get into an exclusive relationship with another girl he had apparently been seeing at the same time, that I never knew about. The next guy I feel for, slept with me, told me he was open to persuing something more seriouse and then I did not hear from him for almost a month. I have seen him maybe once a month for the past five months and have never had a sleepover. I finally decided to go see a therapist for my growing depression problem and she told me she had to mark me as “high risk” for suicide because in the eyes of a healthcare professional I have nothing to live for, I couldn’t disagree.
And so there it is, all of my baggage, well not all of it but the stuff that really weighs me down. I hope by putting it down on paper I can release it from my mind and finally stop letting it control my future. I know I can un-do or change anything that has happened, I have been trying my best to analyze it and work through it and now it’s time to just be done. I need to just be done with it.