I can’t win

For a while now I have been trying to convince myself that I can overcome any problem or issues simply by stating that it is a non-issue.  This has now worked for driving, interviewing, eating in front of people and so on.  Even though I still do not enjoy these things deep down, my fear of them is no longer holding me back from accomplishing these daily life tasks.  It has worked for some many things that I figured I could simply stop suffering from the depression that has been crippling me since I was 15.  If I just told myself that I did not in fact want to end my own life, or wish that it had never began in the first place that it would just vanish.  I wanted to believe that it was just a phase in my life that I could overcome now that I was older and enlightened.

How can it be possibly that I have moved many times, traveled, had new jobs, terrible jobs, stressful and wonderful jobs, met all sorts of people, been on an astonishing amount of first dates, been rejected by countless man and other people, been in several car accidents and have managed to over come it all, but something as stupid as serotonin can wreck me?  All it takes is waking up one morning and feeling that sense of hopelessness and purposelessness and I have lost everything I have worked so hard for.  It all becomes irrelevant. The past 8 years of focusing on becoming a better a person, all the years of waking up early to go to the gym, all the hundreds of miles I’ve run, all the crazy diets, self help books, self introspection and constantly trying, trying and trying to make myself happy and whole.  It all falls away the second the serotonin takes control.  It’s as if I might as well have spent the last 16 years lying in bed, I lost any sense of accomplishment or pride.  I am once again a child, unable to take control of my brain and emotions, instead they control me and all I can do is dream about taking control once and for all.  I just can’t bare the thought of this part of me always winning, always crushing everything else I’ve ever done in life.  It always wins.

I tell myself that I no longer have a problem, that I do not in fact suffer from depression, that I am a functioning human who has put way too much effort into fixing everything that has ever been wrong to still have this looming over my head.  But that’s just not true, I do have an issue, one that I can not fix, solve, run from, hide from, or self-help it away. I have a chemical in my brain that can ruin everything I have ever worked for and it does, over and over again.  It will leave me for a little while, just enough time to pick myself back up and start to convince myself that I can gain control once again, but then it’s back, making me realized I should never have tried in the first place.  There is only one way I will truly defeat it, but that is also how it will finally truly defeat me.

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About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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