Archive | June 2015

Doomed From the Get-Go

I never stood a chance.  I don’t understand why I have been trying so hard for so long.  There is no way that I could ever maintain a healthy, stable. growing relationship with a man…I was doomed from childhood.

To say I have Daddy issues would be a little cliche, but it would also be hitting the nail directly on the head.  I’m not going to say I don’t love my father, because I do and there are so many wonderful things about him but my god he has done some serious damage and even as an adult he is still doing a number on me.

I could go on forever about all the millions of things that my father did that have had an ill effect on me, but that is the case for almost every child-parent relationship.  I mean the man put me on a diet when I was first starting high school. It was the most horrible time of my life to begin with and then he took away my afternoon french toast tradition.  I later went to stop eating all together just to spite him and continued to struggle with anorexia for a very long time.  But again this was just a small part of the overall effect that my father had on me.

What was, and is still, the problem is that he was never around.  And I’m not talking about just working long hours, or long business trips, but sometimes months at a time.  This may have not been as bad if we lived a somewhat normal life, but that was not the case.  Instead he moved us to a very remote town in Northern Vermont where it was either sub-zero temperatures or hot humid and buggy.  Again not that big of a deal, but the real bitch was that we moved into a crappy little A Frame camp where the installation was falling out from the floor so you couldn’t walk downstairs in the winter without boots on.  On top of that we had no running water, no kitchen sink, and no stove for almost a year when we first moved in.  My brothers and I had to help my mom lug ten gallon buckets of water up a steep hill so we would have water to bath in before going to school.  Even after we got things together a little bit we still lived what felt like the fucking arctic and once we got into high school we had to drive a million miles to the closest town to go to school.  And trough all of this my father was staying at nice warm, clean hotels with hot running water.

Recently my Mom’s father passed away.  She had a very strained relationship with him and I had never even met the man.  However it was still a loss to her and a lot to deal with.  My father was the one who called me to tell me and while on the phone mentioned that he would not be home for another week and a half…and yes they are still married.  I cried all morning thinking about my Mom being all alone in the middle of nowhere, having to once again go through a hard time completely by herself.

There are currently two killers on the loose who have escape from a New York prison, and still my father is gone and has yet to ask if my mom is okay alone in their remote Vermont home.  I know my Mom is very strong and will be fine but it just reminds me of how much I always felt like I was not important enough.  Even his own wife is not important enough for him to stop working and be there. I was constantly trying to get him to love me enough to stick around, but he never did.  Now I find myself desperately trying to get men to love me who have no real interest in me.  I am attracted to men who tell me that are noncommittal or that are “emotionally unavailable”….clearly I am seeking what I have always been longing for, for a man to love me enough to show up.  But they don’t and it’s not their fault, it my fault for thinking that if I could get them to love me it would make up for the 20 plus years of pain I have suffered from my father being absent from my life.  Instead I am just piling more and more rejection and hurt on top of it and I fear I will never be able to craw out form this pit of self loathing.  The truth is that I’ve always felt like it was my fault that my father didn’t want to be around and even in my adult brain I feel as though there is something wrong with me and that is why no one wants to love me.  Unfortunately due to the fact I have been thinking that way for son long, I have made that the truth.  There is , in fact, something very very wrong with me, but as I have finally realized, I never stood a chance anyway.