Recently I have found myself getting hurt by the fact that no one wants to give me the time of day. I have never had a problem making friends, which was always helpful due to the fact that I like to move and explore new places. I truly value the relationships I make with people even when I know I may never see them again.
My mentality is not apparently a shared one in my new home. After six months of living here I still feel like an outsider who will never belong. I don’t necessarily have a problem not belonging, I have always been a bit odd, but I’ve always found people who appreciate it. I was thinking that I was perhaps just too odd for where I am living, or perhaps too much of a hippy, or too ignorant when it comes to wine…but then I realized that there are plenty of those types all around, the only difference is that these odd balls, hippys and vita-culterlly challenged people where born here and I was not.
Many of the places I have lived and visited in my life I have found a certain type of admiration for being a nomad. In a lot of places this is how I have acquired some of my closest friends, because they too were looking to expand their worlds and their understanding of life. I feel incredibly lucky that coming from Northern Vermont some of my best friends are from Ohio, Washington, Michigan and California. I feel as though knowing them has help me become a more rounded individual.
But now here I am, alone in a beautiful setting because I was not born in this area. Other than the sheer loneliness factor I could not figure out why I was getting so upset that these close minded people would not let me in. And then it hit me, they see me as a flight risk, that I could just leave at any point, because clearly that is what I have done in the past. The truth of the matter is that I am so much more of a flight risk then anyone would ever know. My current lack of friends is just a larger reflection of what I am missing in life.
For the past three years I have been trying so hard to find love, to find an intimate life partner that loves me and wants to grow with me. I know that having a boyfriend/husband will not make my underlying depression disapere, but it does seem like it would ease some of the pain. I have always wanted to real love but it was not until a few years ago that I began really making an attempt, hell I even move to give my self better chances (I should have done my research a little better) but still I can not form a meaningful connection with any man. I have no been single for over five years and cryed myself to sleep more nights then I care to recall. But now I realize that I’ll never have a man love me because I am in fact a flight risk. Who would want to love someone who is not committed to being on this earth? I think about killing myself as much as I think about someone loving me. Why would someone want to invest anything in me? Here I was getting mad at people who didn’t want to befriend me because I may move, and the truth is that people shouldn’t befriend me or care about me because I may remove myself from this life all together…I guess I need to stop getting so upset with others who are just looking out for their best interests.