I think it has been over three years now that I have been online dating. I’ve taken breaks due to giving up, short lived flames, or just an utter uninterest in the opposite sex, but for the most part I’ve had some sort of online profile going on for way too long. They all say the same generic thing, I like the outdoors, hiking, running…blah, blah, blah. But instead of all that positive, I’m a great, happy person bull shit I would love to just be honest for once. If I wrote an honest profile and really said what I wanted, not only would I not get a date but I’m pretty sure people would hate me. If I had the spine to do so, this is how my real online dating profile would look.
I’m tall, but I’m no fucking supermodel. I am not fat but I do have a little extra weight around my stomach and thighs, even though I do in fact run at least five days a week. When I say I like the outdoors, I really really mean it. I would rather be outside than do pretty much anything else. I hike, not just take walks in my jeans, I have a hydration pack and everything. I am very kind and caring but I can come across as pretty cold sometimes. I have a very strange personality and sometimes I think things are funny that probably arnt. I don’t know how to be very girly. And although I really love sex, and typically have it way too soon, I actually do want a real relationship, not just a consistent hookup. I have a good job, my own place, a fucking car and I take care of myself…really guys what the fuck are you looking for?
YOU MUST BE AT LEAST 5’10’’…and this means in real life, not in made up online land, if we meet I will know! YOU MUST HAVE: a job, a car, and some sort of ambition, even if it’s just to run a popsicle stand. YOU MUST be okay with using your phone to actually make a phone call, I know it’s not my favorite thing either, but talking on the phone shows integrity and a little respect. YOU CAN NOT and I repeat CAN NOT have or want a pet or a kid…I know this makes me a horrible person but I have no interest in taking care of either of these things. It would help if you had a college education, blond hair and a six pack. I know I don’t have a six pack but apparently there is only about a 6 percent chance that I will sleep with you if you don’t have one, and yes I’ve done the math. Oh and since I really do actually like to do outdoor activities you should also really like them, not just say that you do cause it seems like the right thing to write down.
A first date should never include anything that involves money. I don’t want anyone spending any money if there is no chance of us ever seeing each other again. I also would like to do something active so even if the date is a total bore I will have at least gotten some exercise. The meeting should also have several options of ending it…why drag something out that will never turn into anything.
So there you have it, what I really wish I could say. Unfortunately I feel as though I’m already having such a hard time meeting someone that if I were to be this honest right off the cuff I may never have sex again and certainly will never have a chance at a relationship. But then again what I’m doing now isn’t working so maybe I should just say fuck it and put it all out there, or maybe just give up altogether. No matter what way I go, I’m pretty convinced it’s hopeless.