My feet are worn out, maybe it’s time to buy a new car?

I’m a runner, not in the sense of the word I would prefer.  I do run offten but I could never call myself a runner due to the slow and pathic pace that I tend to go at.  No I am a runner in the other sense, I do not choose to fight, I choose flight, every time.  That’s not to say that I don’t take full responsibility for any and all mistake that I make.  I don’t lie, I fess up to all mistakes that I’ve made.  But whenever life starts to fail me, which is most of the time I run somewhere new in hopes of finding happiness.  I’m running out of places to run.

I fled from Vermont, a wonderful choice I must say.  I left the cold, cloudy, buggy, muddy and depressing state to the greener and fresher pastors of California.  Well I didn’t really choose California, I ended up here and with all the sunshine it was a perfect fit.  I had six and a half wonderful years in a sunny ski bum town.  There were ups and down of course but when the downs began to outweigh the ups most of the times I took off.  I ran further west to seek comfort in the unknown in hopes that I would find happiness somewhere new.

I’m no idiot, I am fully aware that you can never truly run from your mental problems.  They will always be there and they are something that you have to work on daily.  But sunshine and beautiful landscapes do certainly help.  So my latest attempt find happiness led me to wine country, where I once again am looking for a place to run to mend my broken mind.  But I’m finding it hard to keep running, lack of money, motivation and desire to keep going.

So what does one do when they can no longer run?  I’m trying to reinvent myself, but that’s a strange concept considering that no one knows me here in my new life.  I could have been anyone before and it would not matter to anyone now.  I could change and return to where I once was, but that no longer has any appeal either.  Because when it comes down to it I don’t actually give a fuck about how people perceive me.  I’m desperately seeking self approval.

I’ve changed my hair, tried to starve myself, applied for a million and half new jobs, looked into different groups, meet ups, hobbies and started running very long painful distances.  I even started juicing, which is a very time consuming activity I must say.  But here I still am, still me, still wanting to run, now just with an excess amount of carrot pulp.  I guess the only option I have left is to buy a new car…maybe take up scuba diving?  If I am having this many issues at 30 I can only imagine what my mid-life crisis is going to look like.


About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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