This is why I love you

It’s been over seven years since I even laid eyes on you and yet you still are in my thoughts almost daily.  It’s not a conscious, in front of the brain thought, but rather just a subtle after thought.  To be honest I think of you any time things fall apart with anyone else, I think of you any times something works out with someone else, but mostly I just think of you randomly when I realize there were so many reasons to love you.

It’s been seven years since I had someone who know how I took my coffee, it’s been seven years since I had someone who I knew everything about my childhood and my whole family.  It’s been that long since I’ve know someones favorite song, or what side of the bed they slept on.  Seven years since I knew every freckle, birthmark and hair on your body.

I hated it then, but oh how I miss it now, the amount that you loved me.  I would never let you kiss me in public, but now I would give anything to show off to the world how much somebody loved me.  You truly loved me, at a time when I couldn’t even begin to think of loving myself.  You picked me up off the floor when I was so crippled with depression that I could no longer stand.  You tried to save me when I wa unsavable.

Until now I had never put anything down in words about you.  As fucked up as I was I always respected the love that you gave me and always recognized that it was something different.  It was so unique to any other love I had ever felt, and not just because it was the only love that I felt from a man.  You did love me, and no other man ever has, but that is not why I love you now.  That is not why I will always will love you for who you were and what we had.

I love you because you woke up early to shovel the driveway, clean off my car and start it before my alarm even  went off.  I love you because even though you had the highest metabolism ever you still would eat salad with me when I was on a diet. I love you cause you changed your whole life for me and you loved me even when I failed you.

I can’t go back in time, I can’t appreciate all these things when they would have mattered, but I still can love you now for all that you offered.  I can cherish the fact that at one point in my life I had a beautiful man who would have given his life to show me how much he loved me.  I’m not sure I will ever have that type of love again, but I do need to recognize that I love you now for it. I love you for all those years that you loved me without abandon.  I didn’t know how to then, but now, now I love you.


About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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