I’m a runner, not in the sense of the word I would prefer. I do run offten but I could never call myself a runner due to the slow and pathic pace that I tend to go at. No I am a runner in the other sense, I do not choose to fight, I choose flight, every time. That’s not to say that I don’t take full responsibility for any and all mistake that I make. I don’t lie, I fess up to all mistakes that I’ve made. But whenever life starts to fail me, which is most of the time I run somewhere new in hopes of finding happiness. I’m running out of places to run.
I fled from Vermont, a wonderful choice I must say. I left the cold, cloudy, buggy, muddy and depressing state to the greener and fresher pastors of California. Well I didn’t really choose California, I ended up here and with all the sunshine it was a perfect fit. I had six and a half wonderful years in a sunny ski bum town. There were ups and down of course but when the downs began to outweigh the ups most of the times I took off. I ran further west to seek comfort in the unknown in hopes that I would find happiness somewhere new.
I’m no idiot, I am fully aware that you can never truly run from your mental problems. They will always be there and they are something that you have to work on daily. But sunshine and beautiful landscapes do certainly help. So my latest attempt find happiness led me to wine country, where I once again am looking for a place to run to mend my broken mind. But I’m finding it hard to keep running, lack of money, motivation and desire to keep going.
So what does one do when they can no longer run? I’m trying to reinvent myself, but that’s a strange concept considering that no one knows me here in my new life. I could have been anyone before and it would not matter to anyone now. I could change and return to where I once was, but that no longer has any appeal either. Because when it comes down to it I don’t actually give a fuck about how people perceive me. I’m desperately seeking self approval.
I’ve changed my hair, tried to starve myself, applied for a million and half new jobs, looked into different groups, meet ups, hobbies and started running very long painful distances. I even started juicing, which is a very time consuming activity I must say. But here I still am, still me, still wanting to run, now just with an excess amount of carrot pulp. I guess the only option I have left is to buy a new car…maybe take up scuba diving? If I am having this many issues at 30 I can only imagine what my mid-life crisis is going to look like.
It’s been over seven years since I even laid eyes on you and yet you still are in my thoughts almost daily. It’s not a conscious, in front of the brain thought, but rather just a subtle after thought. To be honest I think of you any time things fall apart with anyone else, I think of you any times something works out with someone else, but mostly I just think of you randomly when I realize there were so many reasons to love you.
It’s been seven years since I had someone who know how I took my coffee, it’s been seven years since I had someone who I knew everything about my childhood and my whole family. It’s been that long since I’ve know someones favorite song, or what side of the bed they slept on. Seven years since I knew every freckle, birthmark and hair on your body.
I hated it then, but oh how I miss it now, the amount that you loved me. I would never let you kiss me in public, but now I would give anything to show off to the world how much somebody loved me. You truly loved me, at a time when I couldn’t even begin to think of loving myself. You picked me up off the floor when I was so crippled with depression that I could no longer stand. You tried to save me when I wa unsavable.
Until now I had never put anything down in words about you. As fucked up as I was I always respected the love that you gave me and always recognized that it was something different. It was so unique to any other love I had ever felt, and not just because it was the only love that I felt from a man. You did love me, and no other man ever has, but that is not why I love you now. That is not why I will always will love you for who you were and what we had.
I love you because you woke up early to shovel the driveway, clean off my car and start it before my alarm even went off. I love you because even though you had the highest metabolism ever you still would eat salad with me when I was on a diet. I love you cause you changed your whole life for me and you loved me even when I failed you.
I can’t go back in time, I can’t appreciate all these things when they would have mattered, but I still can love you now for all that you offered. I can cherish the fact that at one point in my life I had a beautiful man who would have given his life to show me how much he loved me. I’m not sure I will ever have that type of love again, but I do need to recognize that I love you now for it. I love you for all those years that you loved me without abandon. I didn’t know how to then, but now, now I love you.
Most of the time I truly do say what I am thinking because I force myself to think nice things, be agreeable, be empathetic and be open minded. But I have reached my limit, I feel as though I am just going to lose my shit. I am going to blow up and speak what has been on mind lately, which is a very simple, FUCK YOU!
Fuck you crazy neighbor who not only asked me to turn off my wireless router because it gives her headaches, but also for asking me to bring her to the airport at 3 am and on the way kindly mentioning that she will need to be pick up in town weeks at 11pm.
Fuck you other crazy neighbor who told me that my outside porch light was affecting his “space” and that I need to not turn it on.
Fuck you stupid fucking landlord who did not tell me about the crazy neighbors before making me verbally agree to a long term lease.
Fuck you asshole who was hoping to just stop texting me instead of being a man and telling me he was in an exclusive relationship with someone else…whom I didn’t even know he was seeing…even though he was fucking me on a regular bases and coming inside me.
Fuck you to the jerk who never loved me but let me put him on my fucking phone plan that I still have to deal with even after moving away, but isn’t that a pleasant reminder every month of what not to do in the future.
Fuck you to all my friends and acquaintances who keep telling me, “just be happy with yourself and then you’ll meet the one”.
Fuck you to my family for being so financially inept that they are costing me a fortune I do not have.
Fuck you to my current employer…well for so many fucking things I don’t think I could ever even begin to scratch the surface on that one.
And last, for now, and I do apologize for really putting this on paper but Fuck You God for always making life so fucking hard, for everyone. It does not matter how hard you try because it always just gets fucking harder. I have done nothing but work hard to achieve the things I want in life, as so many people have and yet we all just fucking fail, over and over again. I can’t have the things I really want in life and on top of it I have to deal with so much stupid fucking shit that goes wrong on top of life just sucking in the first place.
So Fuck You life!!! And fuck me for never being able to just say that out loud and just pretending that everything is going to be okay. It’s not okay…and I don’t honestly believe it ever will be.