I matter none. Out of the billions of people on this earth this is a very tiny percentage that give a shit about whether or not I am here. Tonight I sat in a bar full of people that were laughing, talking and enjoys the company of others and there I sat alone. At first I blamed it on the fact that I moved to a new place where I know noone. But then I realized that even had I stayed where I was this would be the same scenario. I lived in Tahoe for almost seven years and for most of them I was excruciatingly lonely, hell I lived in Vermont for 23 years and felt painfully alone since I was 15. It is clearly just my lot in life, regardless of what beautiful place I run to, I will always feel alone and isolated.
So what I am trying to figure out is what the hell is the point? It’s been 15 years that I have been thinking about ending my life. I will not deny that there have been plenty of times in those 15 years that I really, truly loved being alive. I have traveled to amazing places and met incredible people. I have laughed until I cried and loved unconditionally but below the surface I have always felt the same. I have always felt as though I should not be alive and resented the fact that I am.
I fantasize about my death the way most women fantasize about their weddings. I use to also think about my wedding day, but eventually those thoughts got over run by reality. I have prayed to God to have something happen naturally that would take my life, this way no one would have to feel bad or worry that they should have done something. When I’m out running I think about a Mountain Lion attack, I just hope that they really do attack from behind, I don’t want to know it’s coming. When I’ve been on plans that encounter bad turbulence there is a little part of me that is hopeful, I put on my favorite music and settle in for the end. I dream of meteors, rabid dogs, fallen trees, anything that would take the responsibility off of me. But alas here I am going into my 31st year without so much as a severe illness. I know if sounds awful to wish for these things when there are so many people who have to deal with these tragedies every day but it’s just the truth. I no longer want to live but I do not want to end my own life because as much pain as I would hate for my family to feel any pain.
So where does that leave me? Unhappy but unable to do anything. I push myself everyday to make the most out of life. I move, I grow, I learn and I change and yet here I am, day dreaming about my early demise. In many ways I have come so far and yet I am still me, I am still the depressed girl who can’t imagine life ever getting any better. The rational part of me knows that it’s all due to the chemical imbalance in my brain, but the emotional part of me just thinks I’m being punished for something that I may have done in a past life. I must have been truly horrible to hate myself and my existent this much. But I do, and there is nothing I can do about it. I have a wonderful family and incredible friends and yet I am profoundly lonely all the time. And loney is how I shall stay, because how could I ever expect to be loved when I would give anything to have my life taken away? I don’t foresee anything changing, to be perfectly honest there isn’t even a point to vocalizing it because I’m just stuck in life. A shallow, self serving existence that doesn’t benefit anyone and that I have no desire to live.
For what feels like most of my life I have longed for what I thought I could not have. I have always wanted to be super thin, but every time I get close I savatage it. I have so much mental baggage that surrounds my body weight, even after all these years and hard work I still fear that I will become the awful person I was when I was wasting away. I’ve convinced myself that if I were just thin, life would be better for me, although that was not the case in my past.
I have always wanted to be in love and be loved. I use to wonder around my parents back yard planning my wedding and laying out where the dance floor would go. I’m pretty sure I had my dressed designed by the age of 12. As I grew older it was not just the dress and the wedding I fantasized about but the also the man I would marry. I would picture what type of man I would choose to hopefully spend the rest of my life with. But then reality started to sink in and I began wondering what man would finally choose to marry me. I no longer looked at it as if it were my choice, that I would be lucky to have any half decent man even consider marrying me and as time wore on even more I began praying that any man would even date me, let alone marry me.
I’ve been falling for unavailable men for a very long time, typically they are emotionally unavailable with a wide range of issues. I fall deeply in whatever with them, anything from lust, infatuation and even my version of love. I cry and pray and hope that they will all change their minds and fall in love with me. I tell myself that I really want to be with them, that my heart longs to be in loving growing relationship with them, but maybe I can just tell myself that because I have the safety of knowing it will never happen.
I have recently found myself in what I felt was a similar scenario. I met a great guy, really enjoyed his company and told myself that I wanted to be a relationship with him. Then he pulled away and I thought even more that he could be the one. He told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious or long term. I then reacted by telling him I didn’t want to see him any more because we wanted different things. I thought I was finally going after what I had been telling myself for all these years, that I wanted real love and not to be someone’s backup plan. But then in true character one thing led to another and I began hanging out with him again. It’s hard to resist good company and great sex when you just moved to a new area.
I have been trying to just let everything go, telling myself it was time to stop letting my past define me. Just because this guy didn’t want anything real with me didn’t mean I needed to stop enjoying his company and that I could work on not overanalyzing everything. At the same time I began really focusing on what it was what I really wanted. I started asking for real love, to have someone truly fall in love with me. Then I started to ask that this particular guy be the one to want to fall in love with me, not that I want him to be in love with me right away, I’m at least self aware enough to know I could not handle that much commitment after so much time alone. But I asked that he want to be with me, that he want me to be my boyfriend and not want anyone else to be with me. I asked that he want to get to know me enough to one day fall in love with me.
But what if he does? Last night I went over to see him and something had shifted. I’m not sure what, on the outside everything seemed the same but I felt different. I began feeling slightly defensive and not all smiles as usal. I felt closed off and distant and yet it seems as though he was more attentive. We once again had amazing sex that seems more intiment than it should be and after he just held me. This was not out of the ordinary but again it just felt different and I felt scared. I used it being late and a weeknight for an excuse to leave. We half heartedly made plans to hang out again but it was an effort on my part because at that moment I honestly felt as though I never wanted to see him again.
Driving home I was in a panic, I couldn’t even understand why, why it was that I wanted to do nothing more than to run far away and never see him again. It took a while for it to sink in, that maybe I was getting what I asked for, that the shift may have been my prayers being answers. If that was in fact the case then maybe it’s not really what I want at all, and perhaps all these years I have been fooling myself. Maybe it’s just easier to think we want something we know won’t have, opposed to actually having to deal with our dreams coming to fruition. I know how to live life wanting love, I’m not sure I know how to be in love or be loved. The thought of even trying frightens me more than the idea of living the rest of my life alone.