Just once it would be nice to be the main attraction, no knicks that, it would be life changing to not be everyone’s back up plan. For some unknown reason I have forced myself to be this very forgiving, loving, caring and far to available female. I let everything go, I look past everything, hell I even make up excuses for people who are too lazy or uncaring to do it themselves. And where does this get me? Firmly placed on the back burner, only to be put up front when there is a lull in the excitement.
I clearly remember sitting at the bar, waiting and waiting for the end of the night. I would sit there all night, laughing, drinking and pretending not to care, just waiting it out until a certain drunken asshole would be ready to take me home. Countless times other drunken patrons would tell me that he was always trying to go home with other girls and when that failed he would go home with me. Everyone told me that I was too good for him, yet I was the one waiting for him, he was at the top of my list, so I think that they had it wrong…he clearly was too good for me.
This pattern continued in life, even after moving and working so hard to become a stronger, more confident person. I fell into numerous situations where I was in a one sided relationship, holding out until which ever guy was ready to have me dote upon them, treat them with such kindness and understanding. We’d go home and for a night I would pretend that they actually gave a shit about me and that I wasn’t just a female to fuck who treated them like a king. The next day reality would come in with the morning light and everything would go back to normal, me being unloved and just foolish.
I’ve had my fair share of men tell me, very long after the fact, that they made a mistake and that they just didn’t realize at the time how much I meant to them. They would go on about how I treated them better than anyone else and that they regretted how they had messed it up. Granted this occurrence typically took place when I was completely unavailable, whether geographically or just so very much over it. I don’t truly believe that at any point in time that any of them really wanted to get into a relationship with me, they just needed to feel better about themselves and how awful they treated me.
I can no longer play second fiddle. This is not to say that somehow some miracle is going to happen and a plethora of men are gonna come out of the woodwork and fall head over heels in love with me. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will never be someone’s first choice, but I can no longer be anyones contingency plan. It’s more painful to realize that there is just something about you that will never make the cut, then just being painfully lonely. So I think I choose loneliness. I choose spending every night alone over waking up next to another man who will never love me. I choose sessioning Ally McBeal on Netflix over having to hear one more guy tell me that I’m just not the one, but hey I still want to hook up but it will never be anything serious. I can’t try any harder, so I need to just stop trying altogether. After dealing with the harsh reality of knowing that I’ll never get to wear a beautiful wedding dress, or buy a house with someone or make joint future plans, it will get easier. Eventually the loneliness will just become normal and it will out weigh the once constant stream of rejection. I will never be anyones main attraction but I’m certainly through being plan b.