Can you be my last?

I assume that most people probably think about a wide range of things when having sex, especially to achieve that quintessential moment.  Certainly it all depends on who you are knocking boots with, the situation and how much you really want to be getting it on in the first place.  The places my mind has wandered would never be appropriate to say out loud, which I’m sure is the case for a lot of people.  There have been plenty of times I’ve been thinking about other people, other places and sometimes just  my to do list for the next day.  Nothing screams orgasim as much as “pay credit cards and water plants!”.  But last night was a first.

While having sex with a man, who seems to be near perfect in most ways, I was thinking solely about him.  His perfect body, he beautiful eyes, his huge dick…all the things that normally I don’t focus on while trying to get off.  Strange I know, but I don’t like to ever get my hopes up, even in bed.  But clearly I was letting go of my typical self when it hit me like a ton of bricks, I looked down at the gorgeous face attached to such a fit body and I thought, I want this to be the last man I ever have sex with.  Not, “I want to marry this man,” or “I want to have his babies,” or even, “I’m falling in love with this man”, but that I only want to have sex with him from here on out.

For me, sex has always been so much more than just getting my rocks off, and not in the common, I want every sexual experience to mean the world, way.  It’s always been my way of validating myself.  Having such low self esteem for most of my life, the only way I could even begin to pretend that I had any worth, at all, was if a man had sex with me.  For a few minutes I could convince myself that I was wanted, even if it was just for my lady parts.  I’ve slept with a lot of men, trying to capture that feeling of being desired.  I have always used sex to make myself feel better about who I was on whole, yes it typically always lead to heartbreak, but deep down I told myself that if a good looking man slept with me then I couldn’t be that bad.  I called it deductive reasoning.  Even when I was in a relationship with a loving man I would seek out validation from all other sources, because I was never convinced.

But now here I am, older and trying to be wiser.  There was a time when the thought of only sleeping with one man for the rest of my life would have scared the shit out of me, how would I let myself know that I was still wanted?  How would I validate myself? My worth? My attractiveness?  Would I just have to trust that I was worthwhile because I am a good person and have worked very hard to become who I am.  Wanting someone to marry me, or be in love with me, would just be an extension of the feelings associated with wanting to have sex with me.  It would just be feeding my need to feel desired and validated.  Me feeling as though I don’t want to ever have another sexual partner again, that is a sign of acceptance of who I am and maybe letting go of this idea of validation through male attraction.  It also doesn’t hurt that my hopeful “last” is built like a greek god and hung like a horse…but here’s to self improvement nonetheless!


About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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