From Ski Bums to Wine Snobs
That old saying, “wherever you go, there you are,” is oh so very true. I made a large life change once again and moved from the home I’ve known for almost seven years. The land of pristine alpine lakes, large breathtaking mountains and the bluest skies you’ll ever see. The first place I found any type of happiness with myself and my lot in life. I found friends, new family and a sense of belonging that I never experienced in Vermont. And for a while life was good, well as good as I had ever known. Everyday was sunny and even when things got bad, which they always do, I would just force myself outside and somehow things would become right with the world.
I know I’m painting Tahoe in a wonderful light, and to be perfectly honest I would never be able to speak ill of a place so beautiful and close to my heart. But to be truthful Tahoe has its flaws. It’s an incredibly transient ski town that is home to so many noncommittal people, especially men. A large majority of the jobs are seasonal, offer no health insurance and have no growth potential. Everyone there jokes that it’s poverty with a view…but that is no joke, that is the reality and for so long I was completely okay with that reality. But then I kept growing, kept working on the type of person I wanted to be, kept maturing and kept getting lonelier and lonelier.
Tahoe had a lot to offer in the way of heart break. I feel deeply in love, kind of in love and in some really hard liking situations. All of which ended…typically very oddly. I tried to date, I put myself out there time and time again just to get terribly rejected. I also tried on the job front, I worked my way up to a great job but it had no growth potential and it came with three months of unemployment and unknowingness. So I decided to move.
On September 1st I had made up my mind that I would give my 30 day notice on my appartment on October 1st. I began searching for my new life. I picked wine country to explore. I took a road trip and decided it would be a good fit, close to the bay, less seasonal and more job opportunities. I then spent a month applying to ever job that I thought would even remotely consider me. After plenty of rejection I landed a job at a four star hotel in Sonoma and by October 30th I was on the road at 3am to begin a new chapter.
And here I am, in this new land of rolling hills and vineyards as far as the eye can see. It’s certainly not Tahoe but it holds it’s own type of beauty and intrigue. At first I did nothing but cry and curse my decision to leave my comfortable, albeit stagnant life in the beautiful mountain town. I told myself I just had to make it work for one year and then I could move back. I hardly ate at all my first week here and I was typically in bed by 8:00pm. Slowly I began to adjust, I started running and became comfortable at work and I began to see the beauty in being somewhere completely new.
It only took about a month for me to catch up with my move. I began to see a guy that I really liked, because I like everyone, who doesn’t like me and started feeling unsure about my work situation. The me that had been so unhappy and lost in Tahoe was now here with me in Wine Country. All of the insecurities and feelings of loneliness came at flooding back to me and have made me realize that no matter where I go, and how far I run, I am in fact still me.
Part of me wants to keep running, keep trying to find the place that will make me forget that I suffer from clinical depression, but I think it’s time for me to face the harsh reality that I can’t run from myself. I’ve never been a fighter, I’ve always chosen flight, but now I fear I may have to fight. The worst part is that I have no desire to fight for my life. I can see no benefit in trying to keep pushing through. The only reason that I have kept going this whole time is because I would hate to put that burden on my family. I will be fighting solely for others, not for myself…at what point in time do I get to tell everyone that I choose not to fight, that I shall try flight one last time and make it my final journey?