“How to fight the loneliness…”
I don’t think I can physically do it anymore…I can’t be this lonely anymore. Tonight I went to live music down at the beach and I sat there all alone, amongst so many people. How is it possible that there are so many people in this world and I am so alone? I really do believe that I am being punished and that God feels as though I don’t deserve to be with anyone.
I see all types of people that have found relationships. I’m not here to judge anyone but some of these people are not what you would call class acts. That’s not to say that everyone doesn’t deserve love, I whole heartedly believe that absolutely everyone does. With that said I can’t figure out why I am the exception to the rule. I know I wasn’t the best girlfriend in my first relationship but I really learned and grew from that. After finally calling it quits with my first boyfriend I cried for a least a year, on and off. I picked up and moved over 3,000 miles away and began the process to become a better person. I have put everything I had into becoming a stronger, more ethical and happier person. But I feel as though maybe it was all in vain. Maybe the damage was done way back than when I was just a little kid. I was a 22 year old bartender that suffered from saver depression, anorexia and a need for validation anywhere I could find it. I admit I made a lot a really poor decisions and hurt a lot of people but I never meant to. I have spent so many years feeling guilty and remorseful and then I got over it. I forced myself to believe that I am a better person now and that I have to finally let it go. But I think my past is haunting me.
Day in and day out I go through life alone. I know that I have friends, that I have co-workers, acquaintances…but it’s not the same. I wake up alone, I go to the bank, post office, grocery store alone and then go to bed alone. It’s been over three years since I’ve been in a relationship and I’m really starting to believe that it’s never going to happen again. You would think that eventually I would stop craving the intimacy and the mundane easiness of being with someone. But I don’t, I can feel my heart breaking every time I see a couple walk by holding hands or people kissing on tv. Tonight I had to leave the music because a man actually asked me to move over so he could hit on some other women. I was so annoyed that I had to give my spot up just so some other women could feel good about herself. It took everything I had to make it home before I broke out in tears.
And now here I sit and realize that the only words that were spoken to me today where in fact from the man asking me to move over. I have spent my entire day in solitude even though I tried to put myself out there. I fear that tomorrow will be the same thing and every day after that.