Lately I’m finding that it’s impossible for me to picture myself with anyone. It’s not because I don’t come across men that I find attractive or interesting but the minute I think about even the slightest possibility of dating them I get a vision in my mind. This vision is of me standing in the mirror, looking old and frumpy. I honestly can not even begin to entertain the idea of any man wanting to be with me.
I’m not sure if it’s because I have now been single for three years or because I am starting to feel and look my age, but I do believe that I am at the end of my dating career. It was never much of a career to begin with, I think in total I have been on less than 15 dates in my life. There was a time when I at least got hit on and flirted with, this was in my much younger days when I was a thin, youthful bartender. At that point in time I didn’t think I was hot shit by any means, I have always seem myself as homely. However, when I was getting hit on I could at least pretend that there was something about me that men would want to be with. But all that has stopped.
The last time a man showed any interest in me I’m pretty sure I could have been any female. To be perfectly honest I think at that point in my drunken state I actually was just “any female”. We had basic conversation, at least that’s what I assume and at the end of the night , well the end of my night at least, he walked out of the bar with me and we ended up having quick and awkward sex out of the beach on a random lawn chair. The sex was so not anything that on my bike ride home I stopped and bought cake at the grocery store. I had felt nothing, not even the typical self loathing that comes along with sleeping with a complete stranger. Instead I just felt sick from eating way to much sugar.
I couldn’t even make myself think, even for a split second, that that random guy, whose name eludes me, was interested in me. With how quickly he came it was obvious that it had been a while for him. I could have easily been a two hundred lb, fifty year old. I knew very well that he was only having sex with me to have sex, not because of anything I said or how I look. And when I really started to think about it, that has been the case for the last three years, with every man I’ve slept with.
But now that I have realized this fact I can not get over it. When I look in the mirror I do not see a person who could get asked out on a date, instead I see a thirty year old girl who no longer has youth on her side. I see the same 16 year old girl who cried herself to sleep because she never had a boyfriend in high school, but now she is an adult who still doesn’t have a boyfriend and no real chance for one. I no longer even have the ability to dream about it when I see a good looking man walk by.