I don’t think I can physically do it anymore…I can’t be this lonely anymore. Tonight I went to live music down at the beach and I sat there all alone, amongst so many people. How is it possible that there are so many people in this world and I am so alone? I really do believe that I am being punished and that God feels as though I don’t deserve to be with anyone.
I see all types of people that have found relationships. I’m not here to judge anyone but some of these people are not what you would call class acts. That’s not to say that everyone doesn’t deserve love, I whole heartedly believe that absolutely everyone does. With that said I can’t figure out why I am the exception to the rule. I know I wasn’t the best girlfriend in my first relationship but I really learned and grew from that. After finally calling it quits with my first boyfriend I cried for a least a year, on and off. I picked up and moved over 3,000 miles away and began the process to become a better person. I have put everything I had into becoming a stronger, more ethical and happier person. But I feel as though maybe it was all in vain. Maybe the damage was done way back than when I was just a little kid. I was a 22 year old bartender that suffered from saver depression, anorexia and a need for validation anywhere I could find it. I admit I made a lot a really poor decisions and hurt a lot of people but I never meant to. I have spent so many years feeling guilty and remorseful and then I got over it. I forced myself to believe that I am a better person now and that I have to finally let it go. But I think my past is haunting me.
Day in and day out I go through life alone. I know that I have friends, that I have co-workers, acquaintances…but it’s not the same. I wake up alone, I go to the bank, post office, grocery store alone and then go to bed alone. It’s been over three years since I’ve been in a relationship and I’m really starting to believe that it’s never going to happen again. You would think that eventually I would stop craving the intimacy and the mundane easiness of being with someone. But I don’t, I can feel my heart breaking every time I see a couple walk by holding hands or people kissing on tv. Tonight I had to leave the music because a man actually asked me to move over so he could hit on some other women. I was so annoyed that I had to give my spot up just so some other women could feel good about herself. It took everything I had to make it home before I broke out in tears.
And now here I sit and realize that the only words that were spoken to me today where in fact from the man asking me to move over. I have spent my entire day in solitude even though I tried to put myself out there. I fear that tomorrow will be the same thing and every day after that.
Lately I’m finding that it’s impossible for me to picture myself with anyone. It’s not because I don’t come across men that I find attractive or interesting but the minute I think about even the slightest possibility of dating them I get a vision in my mind. This vision is of me standing in the mirror, looking old and frumpy. I honestly can not even begin to entertain the idea of any man wanting to be with me.
I’m not sure if it’s because I have now been single for three years or because I am starting to feel and look my age, but I do believe that I am at the end of my dating career. It was never much of a career to begin with, I think in total I have been on less than 15 dates in my life. There was a time when I at least got hit on and flirted with, this was in my much younger days when I was a thin, youthful bartender. At that point in time I didn’t think I was hot shit by any means, I have always seem myself as homely. However, when I was getting hit on I could at least pretend that there was something about me that men would want to be with. But all that has stopped.
The last time a man showed any interest in me I’m pretty sure I could have been any female. To be perfectly honest I think at that point in my drunken state I actually was just “any female”. We had basic conversation, at least that’s what I assume and at the end of the night , well the end of my night at least, he walked out of the bar with me and we ended up having quick and awkward sex out of the beach on a random lawn chair. The sex was so not anything that on my bike ride home I stopped and bought cake at the grocery store. I had felt nothing, not even the typical self loathing that comes along with sleeping with a complete stranger. Instead I just felt sick from eating way to much sugar.
I couldn’t even make myself think, even for a split second, that that random guy, whose name eludes me, was interested in me. With how quickly he came it was obvious that it had been a while for him. I could have easily been a two hundred lb, fifty year old. I knew very well that he was only having sex with me to have sex, not because of anything I said or how I look. And when I really started to think about it, that has been the case for the last three years, with every man I’ve slept with.
But now that I have realized this fact I can not get over it. When I look in the mirror I do not see a person who could get asked out on a date, instead I see a thirty year old girl who no longer has youth on her side. I see the same 16 year old girl who cried herself to sleep because she never had a boyfriend in high school, but now she is an adult who still doesn’t have a boyfriend and no real chance for one. I no longer even have the ability to dream about it when I see a good looking man walk by.