Fools don’t rush in, they linger.
It’s a sad day when you realize that you are that girl, the girl who everyone sees as pathetic and foolish. It’s not as if I haven’t known for a while that I’m a fool but seeing it in everyone else’s eyes was a particular new low. I have spent years going out of my way for the people I love. It has come in all forms, from buying peoples affection to going out of my way to help people. I have always told myself that I would do these things for anyone I cared for, but that is not the case.
Recently the man I have been in love with (unrequited) for the past five years turned 40. We had a big party and all his friends were there, both from work and otherwise. I had gone out of my way to set up a margarita bar and made several signature drinks for all the guest at the party. I don’t even drink tequila, but there I was spending lots of money on all the fixings and then spending the evening as the sober bartender. I told myself it was just a birthday gift and that I had to make sure that even though I knew he would never love me that I was still a good person and would go out of my way for him because he was my friend.
As I stood in the kitchen making drinks for about 35 people I began to notice a strange feeling that people where judging me. It was not my coworkers, surly they are all accustom to me doting on him, but his friends that I didn’t know, who seems to be studying me. It was then that I saw myself through their eyes. I was a naïve girl, ten years younger than him who would do anything for him. I wanted to shrivel up in a ball and hide. I knew what they were thinking about me and I knew they were right. I felt even more foolish that I had been the one, out of all of his friends, who went and picked him up and would wait until the end of the night to take him home.
As the night progressed I found myself feeling more and more stupid. I had to be up at 5:30am the next morning for work and yet there I was at midnight cleaning up the party and waiting for him to give me the okay to give him a ride home. When we did get to his house I spent another hour looking at his plants, and talking about what color he should paint his house. We talked about a lot of things and for a moment I forgot about how foolish I had felt all night, because in that moment I felt like I meant something to him. But then I said goodnight, got in my car and cried the whole ride home, because I don’t mean anything to him, I’m just the foolish girl that is at his beck and call.
How could I be so childish, so naive to think that if I just went out of my way, if I just showed him how much I cared that he would see me differently, that if he saw how much I loved him that he would at least love me a little. How is it possible that I could love someone so deeply and not have them love me at all? And how could I be so blind as to not see how all of this unrequited love was making me look so stupid?