The Biggest Bitch of All
As I drove out of work this afternoon tears formed in my eyes. It was an off day on my 10K training schedule so I didn’t need to go for a run and I already went to the gym in the morning. I had absolutely no plans and the thought brought me to tears. Just as I wiped away a stray tear a song came on the radio with the opening line of “I am so lonely”. I’m not sure if it was God mocking me or just sympathizing with me, but either way it didn’t help with the tears.
The other night my sister and I were talking about what it is to be really lonely. It’s not the big things that are the hardest, when major things happen in life there are always people around to help. It is the little things that are the hardest. Making dinner for one, eating it alone and then always having to do the dishes because no one else is gonna do them. Since I have started running again I have had this consistent pain in the center of my shoulder blades and I can’t do anything about it. I would give anything to just have someone to rub my shoulders. I can pay my owe bills, fix my own frozen pipes and pretty much take care of everything myself but I can’t rub my on shoulders.
I like my space, my time and not feeling obligated to anyone but that independence can only get me so far. When I have done all I need and want to do I am left alone. I have wonderful friends but they all have wonderful relationships and are not in any position to sit around and watch stupid TV shows with me. When you have a friend over it’s implied you will do something, or talk or have an agenda. When you are with someone you stop having to “do something” or “say something” and you just get to be. It feels like it has been a million years since I’ve been able to just be with another person. I miss waking up and having someone be there and knowing how they takes their coffee and what their favorite song is. Instead I wake up alone and make coffee in my small coffee pot for one and listen to my own favorite song.
I have been making huge attempts to better myself all around. I have been reading self help books, learning about my relationship with food, working out like nobodies business and trying to be a happier person in general. This is all fine and good because these are all things that I can work on. Being lonely is another story all together, one can only make so many attempts at not being lonely. I have tried online dating, joining groups, even getting second jobs, but I have now been single for three years with no prospects in sight. You can pretty much read a book on ever subject pertaining to self help but there is no help when it comes to not feeling lonely. It is not a feeling that can be worked on, or taken away. And the worst part is that the longer you are lonely the lonelier it gets. It seems that everything else in life, the longer you deal with it the better it gets, or at least the better you get at dealing with it. This is not the case with loneliness, it only gets worse and no amount of eating or exercise can take the emptiness away. Nope instead the loneliness just stays and grows with only minor retreats during busy times in life. It’s a real bitch to know that there are actually some things in life you just can not work on.