It’s not as if I do not realize on a regular bases that I am single. I know this constantly, in the evenings when I sit all alone and in the mornings when I wake up and have no one to tell about my dreams. I know it even more when I see couples together, even the unhappy couples who are fighting, they at least have someone to fight with. I know it ever time something goes wrong and I don’t have anyone to lean on. But tonight was one of those nights that not only did I know I was alone but I was pissed because of it.
I went on a long run, a really painful, difficult trail run that resulted in sore muscles and an unexplainable urge for Fresca. I don’t tend to drink soda unless it’s mixed with rum and I’m tying to stay awake at the bar. But tonight when I finished my 8 mile trail run I just wanted a Fresca and I decided that I would venture to the grocery store in my sweating running clothes and get a can of this soda that I never drink. I actually can not even recall that last time I drank one, I believe it was when I was younger and my father gave it to me to appease me. So I began my search in all the coolers that held individuals bottles and cans, after no avail I moved onto the soda aisle. There was every type of stupid soda, available in every size, 6 pack or 12 pack. But not Fresca, no that was only available in a 2 liter bottle and although it was super cheap it was a two liter bottle. What the hell would I do with all that soda? I would never be able to drink it all before it went flat and I would feel terrible wasting it. So as I stood there in the soda aisle I began to tear up. I was able to pull myself together long enough to leave the store without my drink of choice but I couldn’t help but feel completely pissed off that I had to no one to force the rest of the Fresca on.
When I got home, without a refreshing beverage I decided to turn to two of my favorite things to make me feel better, and also because I don’t really have anything else in my house. I poured some Bombay Safire over some ice and then took a can of whipped cream and sprayed it on the gin. This was my dinner. I don’t deny the fact that this was an extreme reaction to not being able to buy an individual sized soda, but I figured what the hell there is no one around to judge me anyway. So instead of sipping on a nice refreshing Fresca I am instead getting slightly drunk and very sugar high off my gin and whipped cream. If I’m gonna be fucking single I ‘m apparently gonna be half buzzed drinking things that I would never do in front of anyone. If I don’t find someone soon who the hell knows what I will start consuming next.
Human nature is real rough sometimes.
I look at her and I wonder what it is,
What it was that draw you to her, not me.
What do I lack that she possesses?
I loved you, in different times and in different facets,
I loved you whole heartedly without ever expecting anything.
I always knew that we would never be,
But I always knew that I would have you.
But then I saw her.
After three years of near love,
You thought of loving another.
I always told myself you could not love,
Not that you could just not love me.
But I thank you,
Because I know that we have something,
Something that you can’t have with any other.
Because I am me, and no one can have it.
No one can have what we had.
And that is why I do always love you,
Even when you try to love another.
We will never be…
But we will never not be.
As I drove out of work this afternoon tears formed in my eyes. It was an off day on my 10K training schedule so I didn’t need to go for a run and I already went to the gym in the morning. I had absolutely no plans and the thought brought me to tears. Just as I wiped away a stray tear a song came on the radio with the opening line of “I am so lonely”. I’m not sure if it was God mocking me or just sympathizing with me, but either way it didn’t help with the tears.
The other night my sister and I were talking about what it is to be really lonely. It’s not the big things that are the hardest, when major things happen in life there are always people around to help. It is the little things that are the hardest. Making dinner for one, eating it alone and then always having to do the dishes because no one else is gonna do them. Since I have started running again I have had this consistent pain in the center of my shoulder blades and I can’t do anything about it. I would give anything to just have someone to rub my shoulders. I can pay my owe bills, fix my own frozen pipes and pretty much take care of everything myself but I can’t rub my on shoulders.
I like my space, my time and not feeling obligated to anyone but that independence can only get me so far. When I have done all I need and want to do I am left alone. I have wonderful friends but they all have wonderful relationships and are not in any position to sit around and watch stupid TV shows with me. When you have a friend over it’s implied you will do something, or talk or have an agenda. When you are with someone you stop having to “do something” or “say something” and you just get to be. It feels like it has been a million years since I’ve been able to just be with another person. I miss waking up and having someone be there and knowing how they takes their coffee and what their favorite song is. Instead I wake up alone and make coffee in my small coffee pot for one and listen to my own favorite song.
I have been making huge attempts to better myself all around. I have been reading self help books, learning about my relationship with food, working out like nobodies business and trying to be a happier person in general. This is all fine and good because these are all things that I can work on. Being lonely is another story all together, one can only make so many attempts at not being lonely. I have tried online dating, joining groups, even getting second jobs, but I have now been single for three years with no prospects in sight. You can pretty much read a book on ever subject pertaining to self help but there is no help when it comes to not feeling lonely. It is not a feeling that can be worked on, or taken away. And the worst part is that the longer you are lonely the lonelier it gets. It seems that everything else in life, the longer you deal with it the better it gets, or at least the better you get at dealing with it. This is not the case with loneliness, it only gets worse and no amount of eating or exercise can take the emptiness away. Nope instead the loneliness just stays and grows with only minor retreats during busy times in life. It’s a real bitch to know that there are actually some things in life you just can not work on.