Archive | April 2014

I need

There are things in life that people absolutely need to survive , water, air, nourishment, warmth and etc. Then there are the things that we feel we need to survive. For me those things are sunshine, good coffee and music. I think without those things my life would be unworthy of living. Then there are the things that we want in life and most people want many many things, myself included. My essential needs as a human, my personal needs as me and my wants have always pretty much been the same since I was about 16 but recently things have shifted and now I have one need that seems to be right up there with oxygen. I need something good to happen. This is not to say that my life is in constant turmoil or that I have an abundance of hardships that fall upon me, but I do need just at least one good thing to happen.
There is nothing particularly bad in my life. I have a decent job that pays the bills. I have good friends in my life and I’m slowly chipping away at debt. But I have been working so hard my whole life to figure it out, not be an asshole, pay my bills, get health insurance, pay off my car, lose weight, figure out what the hell I want to be in my life. I think I have spent more time working towards working on things then living things. I understand that in life you never stop working on things and it’s just what life is, but then what the hell is the point?
My most recent hurdle I have really been delving into is trying to find someone who might actually want to be in a relationship with me. I am working on this while simultaneously really trying to lose weight. I have fully embraced the keto diet and have been tracking my fat, protein and carb intake. I have also been getting up at 5:30am to go the gym as well as running every afternoon. I have been calculating, abstaining, and self motivating for several months now and have seen progress. This is not the case however with fining a boyfriend.
There is not an app you can download that can track how well your personality will draw men in. There is no known science that will make me more compatible or desirable to the opposite sex, trust me I’ve looked. I have done the research, I have tried every type of dating site available in my area and even began painting my nails because I had read an article about how man like manicured hands. At first I at least got dates, most that were on the dull side or the complete opposite but the guy either turn out to be off his rocker or just not into me at all. I have gone for all types, not wanting to rule anyone out in hopes of finding someone. I have tried to put myself out there in every facet with no avail. It’s gotten to the point that I cant even make it to a date to get rejected, it’s now happening before I’m even given a chance to fuck it up. I’m just not sure where to go from here.
I am tried of always working towards things, I want things to be…I need things to be now, at least just one thing. I just need something that I am working towards to be accomplished. I either need to be thin, or finically sound or I need to find someone who wants to love me. I need one of these things to just happen, I mentally and emotionally can not keep working any more. I fully except the fact that I will be working towards many things during my entire existence on this planet but my god would it hurt to just give me something? I just need something good to happen in my life without me having to keep working for it. I’m tired.