Apathy

I’ve stopped caring. Not over all, I still care about my job, my friends, my looks, my health and occasionally what the hell I am doing with my life but I’ve stopped caring about what men think of me and weather of not they want to be with me. When I was younger, and not even that long ago, I would prey for the day that I no longer cared, when I would not spend an entire day crying due to rejection or eating my feelings. I thought it would be lovely to be completely numb to all emotions involved in love, lust and sex. But now I fear that wish has come true. It started a few months ago when I realized that the idea of sex no long excited me and I use to be somewhat of a self proclaimed slut. But even with a man that I thought I was in love with the sex or even thought of it did nothing for me. So I chalked it up to turning 30 and no longer having a sex drive. But then I slept with someone and felt something, for the first time in a long time I was turned on and very present in the moment. Great! I thought that it was just about the particular men I had been sleeping with in the past few years and that something new was all that I needed. For a day I entertained the idea of us being in some sort of relationship, not a normal one because we are both very odd and he is planning on moving East, but I thought maybe for just a while I could be with someone and want to be. Days past and I didn’t really hear anything from him. We are good friends and the sex thing just kind of happened out of curiosity and a bit of booze. I was expecting to feel something after not hearing from him, I was expecting to agonize over whether or not I would hear from him, I was expecting to care. But as the week past I became overly aware of how much I didn’t care. I cared more about not caring than anything else. Fearing that something was wrong with me I decided to reach out and invite him to hang out, we made tentative plans but then the day came and went without any word from him other than a quick text and yet I still didn’t react. I wasn’t sad, angry, relieved or disappointed that not only did we not meet up but that he never even properly blew me off. I didn’t care as a person who had slept with him or a friend. I felt nothing for the man that had restored my hope in caring and feeling again. I feel extremely fortunate as well as thoroughly confused that this apathy has not carried over to other parts of my life. I am still giving my all at work, I have become obsessed with the Keto diet, I have really stepped it up at the gym and have even began to style my hair and learn how to wear makeup properly. But these things use to come with the desire to attract men, to keep men or to spite them. But now I am doing them solely for myself, which is in theory is wonderful self growth, but where does that leave my love life? If I no longer care about men am I bound to be alone? It’s not that I want to spend my life alone but I don’t have the care to change it. I ‘m worried that my apathy will destroy any drive for me to find a boyfriend or even want to get laid again. As hard as I have worked on being okay with who I am so I would not fear being alone, I now fear I will never care enough to not be alone.

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About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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