I’ve stopped caring. Not over all, I still care about my job, my friends, my looks, my health and occasionally what the hell I am doing with my life but I’ve stopped caring about what men think of me and weather of not they want to be with me. When I was younger, and not even that long ago, I would prey for the day that I no longer cared, when I would not spend an entire day crying due to rejection or eating my feelings. I thought it would be lovely to be completely numb to all emotions involved in love, lust and sex. But now I fear that wish has come true. It started a few months ago when I realized that the idea of sex no long excited me and I use to be somewhat of a self proclaimed slut. But even with a man that I thought I was in love with the sex or even thought of it did nothing for me. So I chalked it up to turning 30 and no longer having a sex drive. But then I slept with someone and felt something, for the first time in a long time I was turned on and very present in the moment. Great! I thought that it was just about the particular men I had been sleeping with in the past few years and that something new was all that I needed. For a day I entertained the idea of us being in some sort of relationship, not a normal one because we are both very odd and he is planning on moving East, but I thought maybe for just a while I could be with someone and want to be. Days past and I didn’t really hear anything from him. We are good friends and the sex thing just kind of happened out of curiosity and a bit of booze. I was expecting to feel something after not hearing from him, I was expecting to agonize over whether or not I would hear from him, I was expecting to care. But as the week past I became overly aware of how much I didn’t care. I cared more about not caring than anything else. Fearing that something was wrong with me I decided to reach out and invite him to hang out, we made tentative plans but then the day came and went without any word from him other than a quick text and yet I still didn’t react. I wasn’t sad, angry, relieved or disappointed that not only did we not meet up but that he never even properly blew me off. I didn’t care as a person who had slept with him or a friend. I felt nothing for the man that had restored my hope in caring and feeling again. I feel extremely fortunate as well as thoroughly confused that this apathy has not carried over to other parts of my life. I am still giving my all at work, I have become obsessed with the Keto diet, I have really stepped it up at the gym and have even began to style my hair and learn how to wear makeup properly. But these things use to come with the desire to attract men, to keep men or to spite them. But now I am doing them solely for myself, which is in theory is wonderful self growth, but where does that leave my love life? If I no longer care about men am I bound to be alone? It’s not that I want to spend my life alone but I don’t have the care to change it. I ‘m worried that my apathy will destroy any drive for me to find a boyfriend or even want to get laid again. As hard as I have worked on being okay with who I am so I would not fear being alone, I now fear I will never care enough to not be alone.
I recently found myself in the same bed, with the same man that I had been with countless times before in the past three years. I realized that although I truly do care for him as a person and now someone I’ve know for a while now, that I had absolutely no romantic feelings for him. We had both realized early on in our friends with benefits situation that it was never going to go any where, but it was nice to have someone to go home from the bar with. I evenly moved out of the neighborhood and the regular hook ups began to fad, it truly was a relationship of connivance. We always managed to keep in touch and see each other once in a while, we consoled each other about failed relationships and sent one another inappropriate texts when drunk. But last time we hooked up I realized that there was no emotion there at all. I like talking to him, laughing and catching up on life but having sex with him is only so both of us can feel better about ourselves. Neither of us feels anything sexual for one another. I just have an inability to let go and I have always had this issue. There is another man in my life that I have been sleeping with on and off for the past six years, it’s just plain pathetic that I can’t ever let go ,
While walking home the next morning I made a commitment to stop returning to my past conquest just because it’s too hard, too emotionally taxing, or too exhausting to branch out and meet new men. It’s hard to meet men where I live because so many of them are just here to snowboard and smoke weed, more power to them for knowing what they want out of life, but it makes it hard to find a relationship here. I started making a real effort to do the whole online dating thing, trying to put myself out there and be open to anything and everyone. Just as I started to make plans to go on my first date I get a text from my past.
Had something actually worked out with this particular guy from my past we would have had the best meeting story. I had been driving home from work and went off the road during a huge snow storm. My vehicle was stuck up on a retaining wall and the tier would not move. As I stood there in the road not knowing what to do a guy pulled over, got out, accessed the situation and figured out how to pull my car off the road. If that hadn’t been enough he invited me into his car, let me cry and waited with me for over two hours until the tow truck came. From there we became friends. He was tall, thin and blond so naturally I developed a huge crush on him but in my mind he made it perfectly clear that he wanted nothing more than a friendship with me. We began running together early in the mornings and texting all the time and I continued to become more and more enamored with him and he became more and more messed up in his life. By the end of the summer he had decided to move back to the city where he went to college, we never even really said a proper goodbye, he just moved and had been gone for three years. We kept in touch a little a first but for the most part I hadn’t heard anything from him, until two weeks ago.
We got together and at first I could not for the life of me remember why we were even friends, the first half hour he did nothing but talk about himself and how much better he was than everyone else. Then after he got it out of his system I got to see the guy that I do deeply cared for. He started asking about my life and telling me that all the guys I tried to date were crazy idiots and just being genuinely concerned. He left that night and I was so happy that he was back in my life and that I would have just a really good friend around for as long as he decided to stick around for.
Then we hung out again and after a few drinks we started to talk about the past. It came up that I use to have feelings for him and he asked if I still did. I told him that things like that don’t go away but that I love having him as a friend and wouldn’t want to lose that. At that point the began making out with me, from there we had sex and decided that we could talk about it at a later point and figure out what all of it meant.
At first I thought that I should be happy that for the first time in a long time I got to experience something with someone new. I had finally felt present while having sex, I wanted to be there, it was exciting and I didn’t feel dead inside. But then I spoke to my Mom on the phone and told her that this guy was back in my life and she instantly responded, “oh no another one of these situations”. and it hit me that even though he is guy I’d never slept with before he was still a guy that I can not let go of and move on from, even though I know there is no way we will end up together. I’m not sure why I am so drawn to men that will never fully commit to me and once I get my foot in the water it just stays there, forever until my foot gets all pruned and wrinkled and then I pull it out and just stick it in another puddle and have the same thing happen all over again. Either I have to just stay away from the water all together or jump in and actually go for a swim.