I think about the things that no one is suppose to. I would clean my house, I wouldn’t want people to think that I was a slob. It’s funny to be so concerned about what people think but it’s true. I also think about what I would wear, it would have to be a pretty summer sun dress because summer has always been the best time of year, regardless of what’s going on. I would make sure to brush my hair and do my nails, but not my makeup. I would want it to really be me, nothing to hide myself. I wonder if it would be better to pretend it was an accident, spare my loved ones the guilt, but then I would not have one last chance to tell them how much I loved them and that nothing is their fault. I wonder if I should take care of my finances or if that stuff just get’s worked out after the fact. I would hate to burden my family with my debt. I would hope that the little I did have could go to a good cause, but that doesn’t really seem like the way the world works. I think about whether my oldest brother will be upset that I named my other brother as a sole beneficiary on my insurance. It was only because I trust my other brother to make sure everyone is responsible with the money and I know he would never not help out the whole family.
I would play music, not a play list or certain album but my favorite Pandora station because I know that it would play for a long time. I would hope that the music would follow me wherever I may go. If I were really thoughtful I would pack all of my stuff up for easy removal, but that may be a little to depressing for even me. I want my stuff around me, to give me a little feeling of normalcy. I would go to bed just as I always do with my music playing but with no need to set an alarm.
The things that I don’t think about are what happen after, not just to me but everyone I know. I don’t think about how much it may effect others and potentially do so much damage. I don’t think about how cowardly and selfish I will appear to everyone who is not in my head. I don’t think about how much hurt I will cause by trying to alleviate my own. I don’t think about how this will forever put a damper on any family events that may occur. I don’t think about that it may have all changed, if I had just given it a little bit more time, had I waited it out it could have gotten better, this feeling could have gone away for good.
But I don’t think of any of these things, instead I think about peacefully listening to music as the hurting and loneliness finally subside. But these are only thoughts….