Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is doing the same things repeatedly but expecting different result. Although fitting, it is untrue. The definition of insanity is: 1. A severe mental illness and 2. Something that is very foolish or unreasonable. The latter, unfortunately indicates that I am, in fact insane. For I am both foolish and unreasonable.
Every female has that one friend that never moves on and always has problems with the same man. It could be the typical on again of again relationship or something a little more complicated and bazaar. I knew one girl who had slept with a guy a few times and four years after the fact she is still obsessing about him and talks about how he ruined her life and made her fat. Not every situation is that extreme but it does seem as though there are a lot those types of scenarios. Embarrassingly I must admit that I have become that friend.
I have always prided myself on being able to get over things and being realistic. I think that I take rejection pretty well and learn from it, when I am given honest information. I don’t hold grudges and I forgive and understand very easily. But what I have failed to notice about myself is that I don’t learn lessons when it comes to certain men. I fall into the same cycles over and over again and I am stupid enough to think that one day something different will happen. I use to tell myself that that was what made me insane, until I looked up the real definition which was even more fitting.
Since I was 24 I have been sleeping with the same man who had never had any intention of dating me. I have been lead on and disappointed by him on countless occasions and yet I keep getting sucked in to it. For six years I have been pretending that I don’t care when he stands me up or cancels on me. I have smiled and acted as if nothing could ever bother me. All along I have wasted so much time crying and complaining to my mother and friends. I can’t even imagine how beyond tiered and frustrated they are with the same topic that I have been on for over half a decade. The worst part is that I never have the balls to say anything to him, instead I just sit and stew and dump my emotional disasters on the people closest to me. And every time I think that I am finally ready to move on I sleep with him and start the process all over again, if that is not foolish I don’t know what is.
I have always been a very compassionate friend but after a while if one of my friends keeps repeating bad decisions with the same man I tend to stop giving feed back. I was always a firm believer that if you keep trying to drink the scalding hot coffee, knowing it’s scalding hot you have no right to yell out in pain and effect other people. There have been other men/guys/boys whom I’ve gotten into these stupid repeating patterns with but I always know after the first time they hurt me and I continue to get involved that I am the only one to blame and therefore can no longer complain. I have lived by this rule for a long time and yet now I find myself constantly talking about the same man, the same problem and the same non-existent solution. I worry that soon my friends will just start to avoid me. I wish I could avoid myself. It’s not looking like I will stop being foolish and unreasonable any time soon but I do hope that I can at least learn how to keep my insanity to myself. It is already painful enough to not have a meaning love relationship in my life I can’t afford to lose all of my friendships as well.