“I’m not mad at you”

It has been a very long time since I have been able to allow myself to be angry at other people. I spent a lot of time when I was younger being angry at the world and everyone in it. I perceived everything as a direct attack on me, in turn I hurt a lot of people and felt awful about myself. Then I had a very cliché moment of clarity. I was driving home from work my junior year of college, it was dark and I had just smoked a terrible amount of weed. The rain started to come down so hard that my windshield wipers could not keep up, I started to drift towards the center line until a very large eighteen wheeler laid on the horn while coming at me. After I stopped shaking from my near death experience I started to envision what would have happened if instead of swerving off the road I was now dead on the side of it. The first thing that came into my mind was my friend whom I was on the rocks with. She had started sleeping with the same guy I had professed my love to only one night after he rejected me, in the same house I lived in, in the next bedroom. We had been very close but this little bump in the road had put a damper on our relationship. We hadn’t really spoken in over a month, and yet when faced with the possibility of death I couldn’t stop thinking about how she would feel if I died with her thinking that I hated her. I drove home (we were also roommate at the time), gave her a hug and told her that although I was still really hurt I didn’t hate her. From that moment on any time I feel myself starting to be mad at anyone I just think about me spontaneously dieing and how unfair it would be to those people.
So I don’t hold grudges, I don’t ever let people believe I’m mad at them. Whenever I do allow myself to feel anything it’s typically hurt and I always blame that on myself. Even when things are really bad I am always able to turn it back around on myself, that I was the one in the wrong and therefore can not take it out on anyone else. I take on every facet of my life in this regard. I use to think that brushing my hair really hurt my head, I hated running my hair brush threw my hair. One day my friend went to use my hair brush and yelled out in pain. She asked me why I would use such a painful brush. In the five plus years I had own the brush I never once thought that maybe it was the brush and not my head that was causing the pain. I always assume that I am the one in the wrong, that I am the one that needs to change or adapt.
But what happens when I really am mad, when someone really does do something to intentionally hurt me? Where does that leave me. I don’t know how to be properly mad. I spend all of my energy on justifying their actions and figuring out how to deal with it. I blame myself for letting them cause me the pain, I am the weak one who let them do this to me. Yes it’s nice to know that if I get killed in my sleep by a meteor that no one has to feel guilty but what do I do while I’m living? How do I tell someone that I am mad at them? How do I stop blaming myself for every thing bad that happens to me? Because it is possible that every great once in awhile someone does do something to make me mad and I had absolutely no way of controlling it.


About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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