With the Snow…
It’s snowing. The kind of soft snow that is just barley covering the ground even though it’s been snowing for a several hours. It’s beautiful and makes me want to be in love. It’s the kind of snow that can make you feel terribly lonely and sad while all along being in awe. The snow fall seems to invoke the power of all of my memories, the wonderful ones of having someone in my life and the frightening ones of being all alone.
The coming of winter is always a strange time for me. It’s signifies a renewal and a certain cleansing. It’s clean, it covers up so much of the ugly that is left behind from fall. Winter makes me want to be loved more than any other season , it’s perfect weather to have someone to come home to. But even without having someone to come home to, I still am always relieved when winter rolls around.
Fall is when my life almost came to an end. Although it is now close to six years ago since I hit rock bottom and ran away from my life, the fall always brings with it a twinge of those hard to face feelings of the past. I fled three thousands miles away and left everything that resembled my prior life. I left all of my family and supposed friends to completely change who I was. I have spent these past six years really trying to better myself, reinvent myself and erase all remnants of who I ever was.
Moving to where the trees don’t drop their leaves I thought would help ease the pain of fall. Growing up in Vermont the fall was by far my favorite season. I loved everything about it, the smell, the colors and even the gray after all the leaves dropped. I would be sad when the snow would come, especially knowing that it would not go away for a very long time.
It was the end of September when I sat crying in the middle of the driveway, clutching the phone as I told my father I needed help. I gave a months notice at all three of my jobs and stayed with my parents, driving over two hours everyday to go to work. By the end of October I was unemployed and more lost than I had ever been. I would lye on my parents couch and think about all of the steps that lead me to wanting to tend my own life. I watched the leaves change color, I watched them turn brown and I watch them fall to the ground. I watched all of this through crying eyes, through Nyquill and Benadryll induced naps and the worst pain that I had ever endured.
Then the snow fell and I got up. I got off the couch and stop crying long enough to plot out my escape route. The snow covered up the ugly long enough for me to function. I always thought that I hated winter, but that year it saved me. It gave me the blank slate I needed to make a change.
I made the change but the feelings still remain. Every fall I feel a little bit of me struggling and falling back to the dark place. But then God makes the snow fall and once again the ugly is covered up and I can breath again and continue on my path to out run my past.