The Five Year Irritation

As we watched the fire burn through the falling snow, he leaned over and kissed me. Even though it was five years ago I can still remember the way my entire body responded to his kiss. It was by far the most stupidly romantic kiss that I had experienced. It was November in Tahoe and there were a few different burn piles that needed to be burned because it was the first snow. We had been drinking for a while and decided to take a walk in the snow to see the fires. Although it was perfect I did not realize that this was the kiss that would lead to a five year, on and off fling/infatuations/unrequited love story.
Often times I have asked myself if I am in love with this man because he is the best I ever had or if he is the best I ever had because I am in love with him? I’m not gonna lie that night of our first kiss I don’t fully remember having sex with him. We had had a lot to drink. But I did remember thinking that I wanted to do it again, and more sober. A few nights latter we slept together again and it was amazing. It was as if he knew right when I was going to lose it and then would take control and make me hold on for a little longer. I had experienced plenty of sex before but never such an intense orgasm. Looking back I think that is when I fell in love, at least my body did.
That winter I left Tahoe and went back to Vermont for a few months. I tried to friend him on face book but I didn’t hear from him. When I returned to Tahoe in the spring I had a boyfriend and he clearly didn’t care. We worked together so over time he just got accustomed to my presence. I was secretly always hoping that we would end up drunk together so we could have another go at it. For three years I silently lusted after him, getting flushed whenever he would walk into the room, but never making any moves. Finally after another failed relationship attempt I made a comment to a mutual friend that I really wanted to sleep with him again, I also told her that I didn’t want anything else from him. I didn’t realize that I was completely lying.
Once again we shared a perfect night together, it started with wine and ended with making love in a rustic cabin that looked out over the river. We feel asleep naked in each other arms and when we woke up he gave me three more orgasms. How could I not be in love. A month later we had a far to intimate encounter that forced me to face the fact that I was in fact in love with the most uncommitted man I had ever met.
I should explain a little bit about this man who has seemed to capture my attention for far to long.  Aesthetically speaking he is beautiful. He is the type of beautiful that you don’t necessary see right away, but then when you notice it, you can’t stop focusing on it. He works in maintenance and tends to be a little dirty and gruff, but always in a sexy way. He has a body that makes me light headed just thinking about it. He has these muscles that that run across the bottom of his back right above his ass that I’ve never seen on anyone else. He is a climber and has an absolutely perfect back that I would give anything to dig my nails into on a daily basis. His face is pretty impressive as well. But enough about his physical appearance, in terms of his personality…I don’t even know where to begin.
He is wonderful and dickish all at the same time. He shows his kindness through actions, like telling me that he thinks there might be something wrong with my car. He shows he cares about me by yelling at me about my terrible driving. He ask me what time I work until even though he has no intention of making plans with me. He has told me on several occasions that he can’t be in a relationship because he is a real “head case”. He is pushing forty and shows no signs of really settling down and yet does not live the playboy lifestyle of a bachelor.
So the night that changed things took place in early July. It started in the hot tub, as he slowly slid his hands all over my body I began to sweat and feel dizzy. As I kissed his wet lips I began to feel panic setting in, there was no other man ever who could do this to me. When we made our way to the bedroom he laid me out on the bed with the lights on. He looked all over my body and as he began to enter me he stopped, looked into my eyes and said, “It’s just so terrible, how is it possible that some things just fit together so perfectly”. It might have been the most intimate moment I’ve ever experience, it was as if he was professing his feelings to my vagina. Then as he entered me he look into my eyes until I could no longer handle it and turned away. While we lay there catching our breath I tried to broach the subject again about why he didn’t date but it was the same answer about how he didn’t do commitment. After that night I openly admitted  to myself that I thought this was the man I wanted to marry and be in a really awkward relationship with.
We didn’t sleep together for over a year. Instead of having sex with him I cried a lot and thought about how wonderful we would be together, if he just could see it. We became closer, I tried to act as if I was only interested in being friends with him. However in my head I was desperately trying to make him fall in love with me. I was always offering to help him with things on his house, we went skiing together, I made him give me rides to work. As all of this was taking place I was just falling deeper and deeper in love with the idea of being in love with him. I had to stop drinking because I would get to sad and irrational. I de-friended him from facebook and took his number out of my phone in fear of one day telling him I was in love with him. I was slowly driving myself crazy trying to will him to be in love with me.
Fast forward to a few months ago, we are all at the bar for a coworkers birthday, the bar that happens to be in walking distance to his house. At this point it has been over a year since the time he intimately talked to my hooha, and I had been trying very hard to forget about the possibility of us ever being together. But a few drinks in he was inviting me to stay the night at his place. It was very unlike him to be so direct or even make the move at all. When we went back to his house we had a wonderful time talking about his house renovations and work and all sorts of things. When we made love it was without a condom for the first time ever and when he came I wouldn’t let him pull out. It was wonderful for those few seconds to feel as though we were truly together. He couldn’t sleep so he stayed up and played guitar quietly as I fell asleep, naked in his bed.
The next morning on my way to work I couldn’t stop crying, I knew I could not sleep with him again. I threw myself into online dating and met other men who would reject me. When I dropped him off at his house after a work function a few weeks ago he invited me. I said no and drove away proud of myself for not giving into temptation. It use to be that the amazing sex was worth the heart ach, but now I know I can’t handle it. I’m not sure what I am suppose to do, I’m not even sure if these feeling of love are real or a really good way for me to avoid every having to deal with a real commitment. I just know that I keep making a lot of failed attempts to move on and I’m not sure if I should take that as a sign or not.

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About D.D.W

Life can be a little hard at times, I write about it to make it a little less painful.

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