As I have gotten older I have come to realize that there are two types of females, the ones who typically are in a relationship and the ones who aren’t. Within these two categories there are countless other categories, but I fall under a particular grouping that I refer to as “un-dateable”. I have moved through many of the different groups within the basic relationshipless category, but now having worked through a million issues surrounding men and commitment fears I have landed myself here, in the un-dateable category.
I have worked hard at becoming self reliant, seemingly confident and essentially what I would consider to be no maintenance. I think that on the surface I have what I hope guys would find to be attractive. I take care of myself financially, I have a good job, good friends, I live alone, I work out, I shower everyday. I have seen multiple women who lack many of these qualities and seem to never be without a man. Yes the caliber of man may not be up to the standards that I want but still it makes me stop and wonder what I am doing wrong.
Not to long ago I was part of the group of women who said that they wanted to be in a relationship but in all actually made no attempt to meet anyone or pursue anything. I blamed being single on everything other than myself. Then I realized that I just wasn’t ready to give up who I was and being able to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted it. This feeling was left over from my last failed relationship with a life sucking control freak. I was so afraid of getting into another relationship where I felt guilty all the time for doing what I wanted, even simple things like going to the gym. So I spent almost three years doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and stayed away from any serious commitment by convincing myself I was in love with a very unavailable man.
Eventually I realized why I was this way and I wanted to change it, I wanted to be in real meaningful relationship, that still allowed me to be myself. So I did the only thing that seemed reasonable in a relatively small area, I began online dating. The things that I have encountered in the time I have been online dating rang from sleep inducingly dull to over the top insane. But the underlining theme has always seemed to be the same, men do not want to date me. I have had men that just want to sleep with me, not so uncommon, men who want to take me to dinner all the time and meet all their friends but don’t want to sleep with me, this may be referred to as a beard, men who just really like to text me all the time but have no interest in seeing me in person. Most recently the most bazaar scenario I have ever come across, a guy who didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, didn’t want to sleep with me, but wanted to be friends who made out….What the fuck? But not once in all of these dating adventures has there been a guy who wants to sleep with me and be in a relationship with me. Other then the three relationships that I have had in my whole life, this has been the case since I was 16.
I have a few good friends who fall in to this category as well. They are all wonderful, beautiful and intelligent females who are having a miserable time finding a legitimate commitment. I pride myself on picking apart all of my flaws so I honestly don’t think I am being delusional or unreasonable when I say that it’s a little odd that I can’t find even one decent guy who wants the whole package. It’s not as if I’m going after young college boys anymore, I have gone out with guys ranging from 28 to 40, the result is always the same. So what is it about me and the women that are closest to me, what makes us so un-datable? I worry that their may be a secret google search results that has a list of all the un-datable women in the world and I am on it. I’m not sure if I should even keep trying at this point or just give up for good. I guess I should not have been such a fuck up with my first relationship, I didn’t realize how rare it was for me to be in one. So either I just stop trying and stop beating myself up or I can keep throwing myself in front the oncoming train that is my attempted love life. Either way it seems that I will inevitably be alone, but at least with dating I might still get laid.