Who do you hate? Who do you blame for these times that you feel so insecure and so lost? I am too old to blame anyone other than myself. I know myself so well at this point in my life. I know all of my short comings and all the ways that I completely fail as a human. I don’t give enough, I don’t listen enough, I don’t understand enough. I will never be enough. I am only who I am now…there really is nothing more to me.
I think that I am in love, but then I realize I am only in love with the idea of being in love. I love the comfort of being able to tell people I’m in love without having to do anything about it. I am apparently in love with a man who may very well be gay. It does not even bother me that this is the scenario because this means even more that I don’t have to deal with anything.
How did I become so afraid of my own emotions and feelings that I could let myself think that this life style was okay. It had been almost three years since I have been in a relationship. I keep holding on to this idea of what could be…but nothing could be. I am just here on my own and when it comes down to it we all are…just on our own.