As we watched the fire burn through the falling snow, he leaned over and kissed me. Even though it was five years ago I can still remember the way my entire body responded to his kiss. It was by far the most stupidly romantic kiss that I had experienced. It was November in Tahoe and there were a few different burn piles that needed to be burned because it was the first snow. We had been drinking for a while and decided to take a walk in the snow to see the fires. Although it was perfect I did not realize that this was the kiss that would lead to a five year, on and off fling/infatuations/unrequited love story.
Often times I have asked myself if I am in love with this man because he is the best I ever had or if he is the best I ever had because I am in love with him? I’m not gonna lie that night of our first kiss I don’t fully remember having sex with him. We had had a lot to drink. But I did remember thinking that I wanted to do it again, and more sober. A few nights latter we slept together again and it was amazing. It was as if he knew right when I was going to lose it and then would take control and make me hold on for a little longer. I had experienced plenty of sex before but never such an intense orgasm. Looking back I think that is when I fell in love, at least my body did.
That winter I left Tahoe and went back to Vermont for a few months. I tried to friend him on face book but I didn’t hear from him. When I returned to Tahoe in the spring I had a boyfriend and he clearly didn’t care. We worked together so over time he just got accustomed to my presence. I was secretly always hoping that we would end up drunk together so we could have another go at it. For three years I silently lusted after him, getting flushed whenever he would walk into the room, but never making any moves. Finally after another failed relationship attempt I made a comment to a mutual friend that I really wanted to sleep with him again, I also told her that I didn’t want anything else from him. I didn’t realize that I was completely lying.
Once again we shared a perfect night together, it started with wine and ended with making love in a rustic cabin that looked out over the river. We feel asleep naked in each other arms and when we woke up he gave me three more orgasms. How could I not be in love. A month later we had a far to intimate encounter that forced me to face the fact that I was in fact in love with the most uncommitted man I had ever met.
I should explain a little bit about this man who has seemed to capture my attention for far to long. Aesthetically speaking he is beautiful. He is the type of beautiful that you don’t necessary see right away, but then when you notice it, you can’t stop focusing on it. He works in maintenance and tends to be a little dirty and gruff, but always in a sexy way. He has a body that makes me light headed just thinking about it. He has these muscles that that run across the bottom of his back right above his ass that I’ve never seen on anyone else. He is a climber and has an absolutely perfect back that I would give anything to dig my nails into on a daily basis. His face is pretty impressive as well. But enough about his physical appearance, in terms of his personality…I don’t even know where to begin.
He is wonderful and dickish all at the same time. He shows his kindness through actions, like telling me that he thinks there might be something wrong with my car. He shows he cares about me by yelling at me about my terrible driving. He ask me what time I work until even though he has no intention of making plans with me. He has told me on several occasions that he can’t be in a relationship because he is a real “head case”. He is pushing forty and shows no signs of really settling down and yet does not live the playboy lifestyle of a bachelor.
So the night that changed things took place in early July. It started in the hot tub, as he slowly slid his hands all over my body I began to sweat and feel dizzy. As I kissed his wet lips I began to feel panic setting in, there was no other man ever who could do this to me. When we made our way to the bedroom he laid me out on the bed with the lights on. He looked all over my body and as he began to enter me he stopped, looked into my eyes and said, “It’s just so terrible, how is it possible that some things just fit together so perfectly”. It might have been the most intimate moment I’ve ever experience, it was as if he was professing his feelings to my vagina. Then as he entered me he look into my eyes until I could no longer handle it and turned away. While we lay there catching our breath I tried to broach the subject again about why he didn’t date but it was the same answer about how he didn’t do commitment. After that night I openly admitted to myself that I thought this was the man I wanted to marry and be in a really awkward relationship with.
We didn’t sleep together for over a year. Instead of having sex with him I cried a lot and thought about how wonderful we would be together, if he just could see it. We became closer, I tried to act as if I was only interested in being friends with him. However in my head I was desperately trying to make him fall in love with me. I was always offering to help him with things on his house, we went skiing together, I made him give me rides to work. As all of this was taking place I was just falling deeper and deeper in love with the idea of being in love with him. I had to stop drinking because I would get to sad and irrational. I de-friended him from facebook and took his number out of my phone in fear of one day telling him I was in love with him. I was slowly driving myself crazy trying to will him to be in love with me.
Fast forward to a few months ago, we are all at the bar for a coworkers birthday, the bar that happens to be in walking distance to his house. At this point it has been over a year since the time he intimately talked to my hooha, and I had been trying very hard to forget about the possibility of us ever being together. But a few drinks in he was inviting me to stay the night at his place. It was very unlike him to be so direct or even make the move at all. When we went back to his house we had a wonderful time talking about his house renovations and work and all sorts of things. When we made love it was without a condom for the first time ever and when he came I wouldn’t let him pull out. It was wonderful for those few seconds to feel as though we were truly together. He couldn’t sleep so he stayed up and played guitar quietly as I fell asleep, naked in his bed.
The next morning on my way to work I couldn’t stop crying, I knew I could not sleep with him again. I threw myself into online dating and met other men who would reject me. When I dropped him off at his house after a work function a few weeks ago he invited me. I said no and drove away proud of myself for not giving into temptation. It use to be that the amazing sex was worth the heart ach, but now I know I can’t handle it. I’m not sure what I am suppose to do, I’m not even sure if these feeling of love are real or a really good way for me to avoid every having to deal with a real commitment. I just know that I keep making a lot of failed attempts to move on and I’m not sure if I should take that as a sign or not.
As I have gotten older I have come to realize that there are two types of females, the ones who typically are in a relationship and the ones who aren’t. Within these two categories there are countless other categories, but I fall under a particular grouping that I refer to as “un-dateable”. I have moved through many of the different groups within the basic relationshipless category, but now having worked through a million issues surrounding men and commitment fears I have landed myself here, in the un-dateable category.
I have worked hard at becoming self reliant, seemingly confident and essentially what I would consider to be no maintenance. I think that on the surface I have what I hope guys would find to be attractive. I take care of myself financially, I have a good job, good friends, I live alone, I work out, I shower everyday. I have seen multiple women who lack many of these qualities and seem to never be without a man. Yes the caliber of man may not be up to the standards that I want but still it makes me stop and wonder what I am doing wrong.
Not to long ago I was part of the group of women who said that they wanted to be in a relationship but in all actually made no attempt to meet anyone or pursue anything. I blamed being single on everything other than myself. Then I realized that I just wasn’t ready to give up who I was and being able to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted it. This feeling was left over from my last failed relationship with a life sucking control freak. I was so afraid of getting into another relationship where I felt guilty all the time for doing what I wanted, even simple things like going to the gym. So I spent almost three years doing what I wanted, when I wanted, and stayed away from any serious commitment by convincing myself I was in love with a very unavailable man.
Eventually I realized why I was this way and I wanted to change it, I wanted to be in real meaningful relationship, that still allowed me to be myself. So I did the only thing that seemed reasonable in a relatively small area, I began online dating. The things that I have encountered in the time I have been online dating rang from sleep inducingly dull to over the top insane. But the underlining theme has always seemed to be the same, men do not want to date me. I have had men that just want to sleep with me, not so uncommon, men who want to take me to dinner all the time and meet all their friends but don’t want to sleep with me, this may be referred to as a beard, men who just really like to text me all the time but have no interest in seeing me in person. Most recently the most bazaar scenario I have ever come across, a guy who didn’t want to be in a relationship with me, didn’t want to sleep with me, but wanted to be friends who made out….What the fuck? But not once in all of these dating adventures has there been a guy who wants to sleep with me and be in a relationship with me. Other then the three relationships that I have had in my whole life, this has been the case since I was 16.
I have a few good friends who fall in to this category as well. They are all wonderful, beautiful and intelligent females who are having a miserable time finding a legitimate commitment. I pride myself on picking apart all of my flaws so I honestly don’t think I am being delusional or unreasonable when I say that it’s a little odd that I can’t find even one decent guy who wants the whole package. It’s not as if I’m going after young college boys anymore, I have gone out with guys ranging from 28 to 40, the result is always the same. So what is it about me and the women that are closest to me, what makes us so un-datable? I worry that their may be a secret google search results that has a list of all the un-datable women in the world and I am on it. I’m not sure if I should even keep trying at this point or just give up for good. I guess I should not have been such a fuck up with my first relationship, I didn’t realize how rare it was for me to be in one. So either I just stop trying and stop beating myself up or I can keep throwing myself in front the oncoming train that is my attempted love life. Either way it seems that I will inevitably be alone, but at least with dating I might still get laid.
Who do you hate? Who do you blame for these times that you feel so insecure and so lost? I am too old to blame anyone other than myself. I know myself so well at this point in my life. I know all of my short comings and all the ways that I completely fail as a human. I don’t give enough, I don’t listen enough, I don’t understand enough. I will never be enough. I am only who I am now…there really is nothing more to me.
I think that I am in love, but then I realize I am only in love with the idea of being in love. I love the comfort of being able to tell people I’m in love without having to do anything about it. I am apparently in love with a man who may very well be gay. It does not even bother me that this is the scenario because this means even more that I don’t have to deal with anything.
How did I become so afraid of my own emotions and feelings that I could let myself think that this life style was okay. It had been almost three years since I have been in a relationship. I keep holding on to this idea of what could be…but nothing could be. I am just here on my own and when it comes down to it we all are…just on our own.